Metro 56

Richard Herring: Every wazzock has his day

Friday 15 Mar 2013

Last Friday was International Women’s Day, 24 hours (of the 8,760 annually available) set aside to celebrate women and their achievements. You’d think if anyone was going to complain about that it would be from the point of view of it not being a proportionate celebration. But instead, on Twitter at least, March 8 has become International Idiot Men Saying: ‘International Women’s Day? When’s International Men’s Day?’ Day. This churlish response from chauvinists and ironic chauvinists (so hard to tell apart) is supposed to make us consider the massive inequality and sexism of there being a whole day dedicated to women, because there’d never be a day like that to venerate men.

Except there is. International MenÂ’s Day is November 19. I hope that answers your question, guys.

I love the fact that the kind of cheese-helmets who feel the need to question the concept of International WomenÂ’s Day donÂ’t even know there is already a day for men (an official one, rather than the regular days where they get more pay and power and privilege). I love it when people try to manufacture an injustice out of a position of clear superiority.

It’s all so transparently self-centred. It’s the same as the children who questioned the concept of Mother’s Day last Sunday by rebelliously asking: ‘When will there be a Children’s Day?’ Though at least the children have the excuse of being children and thus naturally self-obsessed and unable to spot that the world pretty much revolves around them already.

But delightfully (and to keep this analogy spot on) there actually is an International Children’s Day. It’s on June 1 and is dedicated to all those children worldwide living in terrible circumstances. That won’t assuage your complaining spawn, of course. Because like the grown-up children questioning International Women’s Day they are actually asking: ‘When will I get someone to wait on me and bring me breakfast in bed and let me put my feet up and watch the telly? When will that happen? You know, apart from every single fricking day.’

Complaining about this stuff is as babyish as throwing your toys out of your pram on any day that isn’t your birthday and squealing: ‘Why is it everyone else’s birthday? When will it be my birthday? Why aren’t I getting presents? Not fair.’

Of course some people just get off on being wilfully contrary (I know I don’t) and think that if there’s a day for one thing then there has to be a day for the opposite thing as well, even if the opposite thing has no need for raised awareness. If they were really dedicated to this contrariness they would say: ‘International Women’s Day? When’s National Man’s Night?’

Here are some more valid targets:

‘Christmas Day? When’s Satan’s Day?’

‘Groundhog Day? When do we get Skyshare Day?’

‘Every dog has its day? When will every cat get its day? That’s doggist.’

I actually feel sorry for the men who ask why we don’t have an International Men’s Day (when we actually do). They are the most oppressed minority of all. Which is why I am proposing that we make March 15 International Wazzock Day, a day for all the wazzocks who ask: ‘When’s International Men’s Day?’ And for this one day, no one is allowed to mock them or point out how stupid they are or tell them that IMD is on November 19. For 24 hours, these men will be unchallenged heroes. Of course they won’t appreciate it. They’ll just ask: ‘When’s International Non-Wazzock Day?’ and still feel hard done by.

See RichardÂ’s reworking of his hit 2002 show, Talking Cock: The Second Coming, on his nationwide tour.