Metro 52

Richard Herring: My Valentineテや冱 Day Ferrero Rocher nightmare

Friday 15 Feb 2013
Richard Herring is drowning under a mountain of decaying chocolate テや so much for romantic gestures.

Did you have a good Valentineテや冱 Day? Itテや冱 become a bit of a nightmare for me.

When I first met my wife, she revealed she had a list of things she wanted to do before she died: climb Mount Kilimanjaro, do a skydive. But the third thing on her list of lifetime ambitions was to build a pyramid out of Ferrero Rocher chocolates like in the Ambassadorテや冱 reception advert.

To even think of wanting to do that was incredible but surely itテや囘 be easy to achieve. Buy some chocolates, borrow a tray. Bang!
So the fact it was an unfulfilled ambition really impressed me. She wanted to do that but she couldnテや冲 be bothered. Thatテや冱 the girl for me. Our first Valentineテや冱 Day together came along shortly afterwards.

I gave her a single Ferrero Rocher chocolate with a note saying: テや露f weテや决e still together next Valentineテや冱 Day, Iテや冤l buy you another chocolate. Iテや冤l do the same every Valentineテや冱 Day and if this relationship lasts as long as I know it will, then eventually youテや冤l have enough chocolates to build your pyramid.テや Pretty smooth. Watch and learn, fellas.

Of course that wouldnテや冲 be quick. By the time she had enough chocolates to build the pyramid, the early ones that sheテや囘 been keeping in a tin for 50 years would be mouldy and crumble to dust, like something from Miss Havishamテや冱 feast, but it was a romantic gesture. But not one that I could duck out of, unless I wanted her to think I didnテや冲 love her any more. So the next year I decided to speed things up and gave her two Ferrero Rochers.

The third year I was in a quandary. Was I buying chocolates equal to the number of Valentineテや冱 weテや囘 shared? Or was I doubling the Ferrero Rochers on a yearly basis? It was at this point that I made a foolish decision, which didnテや冲 fully take into account the power of exponential mathematics. I bought her four chocolates.

She now had seven chocolates BUT the convention had been established: there had to be chocolates each year and they had to double each year. Otherwise sheテや囘 throw them back in my face shouting: テや牢o your love hasnテや冲 DOUBLED this year, then!テや

Yesterday was our sixth Valentineテや冱 Day and I had to fork out for 32 chocolates. But it gets worse. Next year will be 64. Sheテや冤l have 127 chocolates, in a tin, in various states of decay, which will probably be enough to build an impressive pyramid. That doesnテや冲 mean I can stop. Chocolates every year. Double every year.

In 2020 I will be buying 2,048 Ferrero Rochers. If weテや决e still together ten years later テや 2,097,152 gold-wrapped, unpleasant tasting, testicle-shaped sweetmeats to add to the 2,097,151 sheテや冱 been storing in a huge variety of containers all over the house. This romantic gesture is going to bankrupt me but thereテや冱 no way out.

I have three options. The first and most honourable one is to kill myself. As long as my Ferrero obligation has been fulfilled at the point of suicide, everyone will be happy.

The second is to keep buying the chocolates until our house is so full of Ferrero Rocher chocolates that we have to move. My third option is to divorce my wife.

It would seem a shame to end the most successful relationship of my life merely because of a poorly considered romantic gesture. Let this be a warning to any potential Romeos out there. Donテや冲 let your love cloud your judgment. Or youテや冤l be paying for it for the rest of your life.

See Richard Herringテや冱 smash-hit show, Talking Cock: The Second Coming, on his nationwide tour.
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