You may not be aware of this, but I am one of this countryâ€™s foremost experts on the human penis (in academic terms, rather than practical alas, despite many hours of solo practice on this instrument). My book Talking Cock (still available on kindle) is seminal in every sense. Telling you everything you could ever want to know about the bald-headed mouse and several things you definitely did not want to know.
But even though I thought I knew everything there was to know about the pink lighthouse that wants to draw you on to its rocks, I can still be surprised. As I was last month to see news of the worldâ€™s first successful penis transplant. Thomas Manning (and what a beautifully apt name that is: the procedure should become known as â€œManning - if only heâ€™d been called John-Thomas) tragically lost his own flute of love to cancer. But this nut cannon nightmare has turned to a ding-a-ling dream come true for Manning as he had a replacement donor dong transplanted on to him by a surgeon called (and I am not joking) Doctor Dicken Ko (presumably he advertises under the slogan â€œDicken Ko: dick on and goâ€).
Itâ€™s an absolute triumph for medicine and incredibly exciting news for other cancer sufferers and veterans injured in battle or self-abusers who have worn theirs down to a nubbin. But that has to be a bizarre feeling. To wake up with another manâ€™s Kojakâ€™s Moneybox between your legs. Most men just sit on their hand until it goes numb to feel like someone else is doing it, so to get yoghurt gun attached to another person is a whole new ball game. Technically it turns every regular sexual encounter into a threesome. And brings new meaning to the phrase â€œI wouldnâ€™t touch them with yours.â€
If you have a tummy banana transplant do they try and pair you up with one that was similar to your own or are you allowed to upgrade? And if you get a choice do they bring them in on a tray for you to peruse and try on before you commit or is it Hobsonâ€™s Bob Johnson Choice? If a penis is a tissue match but you donâ€™t think itâ€™s up to much are you allowed to reject it? And how do you feel if your new Frankenweiner rejects you?
Of course, at the moment the donor chimney cleaners come from men who are deceased. One must wonder if the flesh torpedo retains any memory of its previous life. After all it is often said that men have two brains in their body, but only enough blood to operate one at a time. And if we can think with our dicks, can our dicks, in turn, think without us? Itâ€™s an ethical and philosophical quagmire.
More worryingly, now this operation is a possibility what is to stop rich men with gut sticks that they find disappointing or ugly, hunting down men like me, with perfect and beautiful members and harvesting our organs. It would be like Face:Off, but with pajama pythons. Iâ€™d love to see Nick Cage wrestling John Travolta to get his National Treasure back. Sorry I might need a momentâ€¦..
There will be a black market in luncheon meat truncheons.
Celebrities will want a different wang attached for different occasions, like a (more) pornographic version of Wurzel Gummidgeâ€™s head (that one isnâ€™t a euphemism, but maybe it should be).
So I hope Dr Dicken Ko wonâ€™t use his new skills for evil. With great wang power comes great wang responsibility.
RHLSTP, my award winning interview podcast is back for a new series, with recordings starting next Monday night at the Leicester Square Theatre in London (it will be available as a free download on iTunes and YouTube soon after). Confirmed guests this series include Vic Reeves, Tim Minchin and Lauren Laverne. Come along if you can. Or listen to/watch the 100+ existing episodes online without paying a penny. Itâ€™s not like the interview shows on the telly!