In my letter box today just two letters, one from my mum enclosing nothing but the front page of one of the local Somerset newspapers with the headline "Maggots in my yoghurt". It was about a woman from Burnham or somewhere who claimed to have opened a Muller fruit corner and for a second thought that the fruit corner had already been added to the yoghurt, but then realised that it was in fact maggots. Even though she hadn't eaten any of the yoghurt she was sick at the sight, which given that yoghurt is essentially rotten milk anyway is a bit of an over-reaction. The woman wondered in the article what if someone had opened thed yoghurt in a dark room or was blind? They might have eaten the yoghurt. Possibly. Or if they liked eating maggots they might have eaten it as well. It's about as likely. I think even a blind person would have quickly sensed something was wrong and probably not polished off the whole thing. But what if they had no sense of taste or ability to feel things with their tongue or mouth as well? It would have been a disaster. My mum had attached a post-it note saying, "Thought you might be interested in this!" Presumably because of the yoghurt theme. How many times do I have to say it? I don't like yoghurt that much. Even my own mother doesn't seem to understand it.

The other letter came from a man who used to be at my school asking if I would like to appear at a Christian Arts Festival in Cheltenham in August. After all the negative missives from the religious recently it was nice to have the hand of friendship extended towards me and I can only assume that he was following the Christian philosophy of turnng the other cheek, hoping I would come down and lay into them all again, so that they could collectively forgive me... or at least sit there imagine me burning in a big lake of fire and then laughing at the image (clever too because I would think they were laughing at my atheistical observations). Alas I will be in Edinburgh that night so unable to attend, it could have been my first step on the road to the kind of conversion not seen since St Paul headed off to Damascus. If anyone wants me to play an atheist or satanist festival do get in touch though.

Buy Collings and Herrin T-shirts here and AIOTM T shirts here.

For details of the Christ on a Bike tour click here and you can book tickets here for The Lyric Comedy Nights

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