It was a 15 million pound super-draw on the National Lottery tonight, so naturally I bought three lines, rather than my usual one. Investing that extra money meant I was almost guaranteed to win and 15 million would be a nice amount of money to receive, rather than the usual paltry six million which would be no use to anyone.

Incredibly I didn’t win.

I must have taken part in the National Lottery, on average, about once a fortnight, ever since it first started and yet incredibly I have still failed to win the jackpot. The odds of someone playing quite regularly and still not managing to get the top prize must be literally billions to one.

I’ve probably paid out about five hundred pounds on tickets in that time and still the millions of pounds that have been dangled in front of me fail to materialise. Each week I think, well my numbers didn’t come up last week, AGAIN, so the law of averages says that they have to this week. Yet somehow fate transpires to disappoint me.

It’s almost as if the whole thing is fixed to make money for the people running it, rather than the people like me, who loyally, occasionally buy a ticket.

Still at least the lottery only cost me a couple of quid a week. I joined a gym today and it cost me £99 just to become a member. Then it’s about £70 a month thereafter (though the lady kindly gave me a month for free as if that was some amazing magnanimous gesture). Running a gym must be even more lucrative than being in charge of the lottery. People pay this huge amount of money, visit the gym about four times in the first week, three in the second, two in the third and then never again and the gym people just sit back and rake in the cash (by direct debit).

It’s amazing the amount of regulation in place that seems designed to stop people joining casinos (where at least you have a chance of winning something back) and yet there is no law against opening up a gym.

I’m going to show them though. I am going to go loads of times a week forever and make sure that while I’m there I manage to break a hundred pounds worth of equipment each week. Oh yeah, they might notice eventually and try and stop me, but ironically by this stage I will be so fit and strong that they will not dare challenge me. My reign of terror will continue.

Until I get bored in the third week and never go back again.

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