I gave my nephew a lift back to London as he's doing a day of work experience on a pop video. It seems like only yesterday
that I was trying to beat him at tennis and now he's off into the world of work. My mum warned me to drive carefully, as she always does, seemingly convinced that I drive around the country like a clown crossed with a formula one driver, swerving violently from one side of the road to the other.
"I could decimate two generations of the family in one go," I joked to general disapproval. But there was more disapproval for my long, uncombed hair. It's important to get these things in perspective and an unkempt barnet is much worse than the demise of a couple of family members. But if they die with messy locks, then the shame would surely lead to everyone else being forced to commit suicide.
Ironically enough we came pretty close to being in an accident, though it wasn't my fault (at least that's my story). As we were navigating between the M5 and the M4 another car came alongside us coming from a different road and the driver clearly hadn't seen us as he seemed intent on getting into our lane, even though we were completely in his way. Luckily, bearing in mind how much trouble I'd be in with my sister if I returned her a dead son, I managed to swerve a bit and he then spotted us and a collision was averted.
The other driver seemed furious with me, even though as far as I can tell it was him trying to see if he could pass his car through mine rather than the other way round. He lagged back a bit and protested at me as I looked in my rear view mirror and then he overtook me and continued to berate me. I merely mimed disbelief at his ridiculous accusations. But no one ever seems to want to take responsibility for motoring based stupidity so maybe somehow, me driving in the lane I was in, was somehow wrong. But it wasn't. The twat.
I felt slightly flustered and ended up taking the wrong exit and found myself heading towards Wales instead of London. The foolish old man in the other car had added minutes to my journey. Luckily I was able to turn around and avoid an unscheduled visit to Wales. I can't afford to get any more points on my license.
I am sure had we all been killed that my mum would have had a moment of "Yes, I told you!" before unhappiness set in. Her concerns would finally have been vindicated. But both she and my sister have two more kids, so they can both afford to lose the youngest (or the spare as we should be called).
My nephew came along to see me do a gig at a new material night in Hammersmith later that night. I was having fun telling him all the places where people had been shot or stabbed in the last few years. We even dined in the Nandos where a shooting had occurred. It's fun terrifying the younger generation.
We walked past the Hammersmith Apollo to see that Jimmy Carr was performing for three nights there, presumably to sold out houses. When we got to my gig there were maybe ten people in the audience, three of whom were so drunk that they were falling asleep. I tried to protest that my career was going better than this, but in his heart he knew that this was how it was for me every night.
We managed to have some fun though and I made those ten people laugh out loud, which is the hardest thing to do. I said that if Jimmy Carr was looking in he'd wish that he was me, with my ability to rule in this most difficult environment, but only for a second before he remembered what else he had going for him. I like the fact that I am still doing little gigs like this.
The three drunk men had been drinking all day as it turned out and I asked why they weren't at work on a Monday. They were being a little guarded about what they did and I asked if they worked in the porn industry, which seemed to be close to the mark. The drunkest one said that he worked as
a fluffer. I told him that fluffers have largely been made redundant by Viagra and went off on a nice digression about how annoying it must be to be replaced by a chemical and how humiliating to be sacked. Your job had been sucking cocks and you weren't even good enough at it to keep working. It'd be hard to go to an interview for a new job and explain what you used to do, and have to then admit you weren't good enough at it as it turned out.
I hope my nephew is proud of the way I have turned out.
And just to confirm, everything is now go at
Go Faster Stripe. You can now order
Oh Flip I'm 40. It's got a bonus disc including the first and so far only Collings and Herrin video podcast, a documentary about the fight I had in Liverpool, a short film I appeared in and footage of me dealing with a stupid heckler. It's £15 + p and p. You can buy the show programme for £2 at the same time - £1 covers the extra post and packing and £1 goes to
SCOPE, the brilliant charity that aims to get equal rights for people with disabilities. Remember to tick the box if you want the programme as well
But that's not all. We've also put together the first six or so months of Warming Up in handy book form. It's got pretty much all the entries from the website, plus loads of bonus info, stories I was too embarrassed to tell at the time and what I was up to behind the scenes. It's called
Bye Bye Balham. I am really pleased with the way it has turned out. If the book sells well enough then I will put together further volumes. And who knows maybe other books if it works out. It will also encourage me to keep going with this insane enterprise. It's a limited print run so don't leave it too late. It's £10 plus p and p.
If you buy both products before close of play this Friday then you will be entered in a draw and whoever's name is drawn out of the computer based hat will win the actual "Free Hot Dog" T-shirt that I used in the 40 show!
Both items are the perfect Christmas gift for EVERYONE. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't love both things.
Go Faster Stripe also have DVDs from some of the most exciting comedians in the country, so take a good look round the site and please support this brilliant company.
