On the wall of the bar we were drinking in tonight there was a picture from the 40s or 50s of a topless woman, wearing a ship on her head. She held her arms out triumphantly and showily, and though initially my eyes were drawn to her pleasant 1940s bosom and I pondered on the sad effects of the passing of time in a manner that was reminiscent of Keats (though I’m not sure he ever pondered, “Sad isn’t it? Imagine what her tits look like today? but that in essence is all he was on about), it wasn’t long before I became distracted by the ship.

Now I don’t want you to get the wrong image, it wasn’t a real full-size ship, it was just a model of one. In essence it was a hat. But the hat was shaped like a ship, complete with rigging.

Of course the obvious thing to wonder is what was the occasion that saw that particular outfit being worn? It’s not often that a lady forgets to put a top on, but remembers to put on a ship. But if, as one would assume the picture came from some kind of vaudeville stage-show, that would explain the bare bosoms, but what was the significance or point of putting a ship on the lady’s head?

I could only conclude that to whoever it was who put the show or photo-shoot together, found the idea of a woman having a ship (and it was a nice ship) on her head, sexually arousing.

Now I don’t find that arousing myself - I liked the bit with the naked breasts. I could see what they were getting at there - But the ship, just didn’t do it for me. It confused me. I would have been looking at the pretty lady, but then become distracted by the ship and it would have put me off.

However, I started to imagine what it would be like if I could only get sexually aroused by a woman wearing ship on her head. I figured that that woman from the 1940s was probably the only woman who would be prepared to do something so strange and perverse. That’s a long way to go, to put a ship on your head. Something would have to be dead inside you to allow someone else to degrade you in such a peculiar way. Even if the woman was still alive she would be too old by now (not that I’m saying 90 year old women aren’t sexually attractive. I’m not a body fascist like you. I’m saying that a woman of 90 simply wouldn’t be able to support the weight of a ship ?even one fashioned from balsa- without snapping her old woman neck).

Imagine how difficult it would be to ever fulfil your dream of having sex with a woman with a ship on her head, if that was all that could get you going.

You’d have to date a girl, try and win her trust, yet avoid going to bed with her, as you would be useless without the ship. Then finally you might get her back for coffee and turn the lights down low and start kissing. Before you got to the crucial moment you’d have to say, “There’s just one thing. Would you mind wearing a hat while we’re in bed??

“A hat??she’d say.

“Yeah, just for a bit of fun. I’d like it if you wore a hat.?

She would probably laugh a little nervously, but be happy to go along with it. You’ve won her trust and it’s just a hat.

But then you’d get the hat out and she’d say, “But that’s a ship.?

“No, it’s a hat in the shape of a ship.

“It’s still a ship. I thought you meant a beret or something.?

“Yes, it’s a lovely ship though isn’t it? Look at the rigging and the mast. You’d look so lovely with that on your head?. oh and with no top on.?

There isn’t a woman in the world who wouldn’t turn on her heels and flee. Not for the first sexual experience. Probably not ever, not even if she’d done every filthy thing you can imagine. The ship-hat would be a hat too far.

But if that was all that could arouse you, then it would have to be the first sexual experience. It would be ship hat or nothing.

Even a prostitute would baulk at doing something so strange. It would just be too disgusting. There are some things money just can’t buy. And topless ship-hatted women is one of the things.

It would be a lonely life for you if you were a man afflicted with that peccadillo. Unless you had been lucky enough to have met that one ship-hat whore from the 1940s. Who was not only prepared to do it, but hold out her arms and smile. Like she loved wearing the ship hat. Think how happy the ship-hat loving, yet otherwise impotent photographer must have been. It’s a wonder he could keep the camera steady.

And imagine being a topless ship-hat loving, yet otherwise impotent man, who has wished all his life to meet a topless ship-hat woman, who happens to chance upon this bar in Melbourne (so many miles away from his home) which has an ancient photo of such a creature. How momentarily he would be pleased, and probably aroused, but how as the seconds past he realised that the ship hat woman would be dead, or too old to support a ship-hat (and he’s not prepared to force it onto her head and risk breaking her neck. He’s not sick.) and in any case probably untraceable.

How his momentary arousal would fade, how his torment would double, how the ship-hat back in his flat would continue to gather dust.

That man isn’t me though. I just imagined what it might be like. It’s the kind of thing anyone would imagine if they’d seen that photo.

And the ship hat in my flat is from an old Fist of Fun sketch. Oh no, you won’t have seen it, it got cut from the final shows. I just kept it as a souvenir. You can come round and try it on if you like?. if you’re a topless woman. Just for fun. There’s nothing funny about it.

Get your name in the Christ on a Bike programme and raise money for SCOPE by clicking here

[ Email this edition of Warming Up to a friend ]