If I had known that I could become friends with any of the characters from the children's television show,
Balamory I would have hoped it would be the original Josie Jump. If I had a second choice it would be Miss Hoolie, my third choice would probably be the one in the wheelchair who works in the sweetshop, but my fourth choice would definitely be Archie the pink jumpered inventor. No hang on, it would be the new Josie Jump. Archie would be 5th.
But 5th isn't all that bad and I only want to be friends with the top four because I want to have sex with them in that order. I hardly want to have sex with Archie at all. So in a platonic list Archie would probably be top. I find the other characters a bit childish.
And the good news is I have made friends if not with Archie (a fictional character after all, that only a mental would actually hope to become mates with), with the comedian who plays him, the very charming and amusing comedian, Miles Jupp.
I went out for a coffee with him this afternoon and could tell from the admiring glances of the strangers who saw me with him how jealous they were of me. I have proper celebrity friends, unlike you who probably don't even know Edie Mcreidie who is rubbish.
At one point we took a chance and crossed the road at a bit of a stupid and busy place. Luckily we survived, but it amused me to speculate what the papers would have made of it all if we'd both been run over together. On paper at least it would seem an unlikely pairing, "Fist of Fun and Balamorie Men killed in freak suicide pact". More likely "Balamorie Man and one other killed", but you know for those few people who remembered me, it would seem like an unlikely pairing to begin with, even if you then immediately remembered that Miles is also a stand up comedian. At least there would be some kudos for me if I had been killed with the original Josie Jump. People might think we were having some kind of relationship. But if I had died with Archie, who is renowned for his pink jumpers and his inventive use of yoghurt pots (he doesn't even like the yoghurt like a normal person, he craves the pots -weirdo) then I can imagine the sniggering and accusations that would have followed. It wouldn't have been cool for either of us.
Luckily we lived so neither us will have to go through the shame and we went and drank wine together in a slightly trendy bar surrounded by romantic couples.
So if the Sunday papers have stories about some gay love tryst between me and Archie then you'll know it's just a misunderstanding. And anyone who says any different is lying.
