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Monday 28th January 2013
I am still not quite back into the swing of things after the holiday. I was pretty much convinced all day that today was Sunday, even though I was constantly reminding myself that it wasn't and even though we got quite a few deliveries. Not that I was lazing around either, just my brain refused to acknowledge the correct date. I had a Metro column to write, though my mind was a blank for a couple of hours before I realised I could write about Battersea Dogs and Cats Home (and my belief that pets are collaborators in the war between humans and animals). Incredibly this is the 50th column I've written for the Metro and next week's will mark the anniversary of me starting writing for the paper. It's extraordinary that I have kept a job for so long without upsetting someone and getting the sack, but I am sure that that will happen soon enough. I've enjoyed the job so far, though on days like today it can be a bit terrifying - what if I can't think of anything to write about? Sometimes 600 words can seem like an awful lot of writing. But Warming Up has shown me that I can write about something (however dull) seven days a week and is also a useful store of ideas for things like this. Remarkably I have written 30,000 words for the Metro, enough for a small book. And it's exactly 30,000 because I am always very precise about making my columns 600 words. Go back and count them all if you don't believe me (though I think there may have been a couple of edits along the way). Most impressively the editors at the Metro let me write whatever I want and have barely censored a thing. It's quite a privilege to have such a platform and I like the fact that this goes out to millions of people who would never see any of my stuff otherwise. It's one thing playing to your own audience (much as I appreciate the loyalty of those dozen or so people who like everything I do), but it's great to be able to spread my gently subversive comedy to all these people.
Maybe I'll write about that for next week's column! But hopefully I'll nearly have a fight with someone on the tube or on Twitter and I can write about that instead (those are the ones that people seem to like the most).
It's an odd little furrow that I plough, but increasingly I feel fortunate to have ended up here.
I also took delivery of eighty boxes of Talking Cock programmes for the upcoming tour (Sutton Coldfield also nearly sold out now). I used to have to keep these boxes dotted around the house in various piles, but in last year's renovations I had a dedicated cupboard made for them under the stairs. But as that is in the basement where the cats are currently living it meant we had to move them and all their dishes and litter trays to another room before I attempted to carry down all these boxes. The cats would be trampled underfoot or get trapped behind boxes or trip me up. We've let them have the run of the house a couple of times and they immediately locate the most dangerous place to be. We put them in the spare bedroom and Lion-o immediately disappeared up the chimney (there is a gas fire there and I had no idea that the chimney was even open). We got him down fortunately. The cats have also caused a slight hiatus in Me vs Me snooker, but I think I might record one this week with them in the room and see what happens. I think this might be what professional snooker is missing - cats wandering around the arena. It's unpredictable and adds a random element that could open up play a great deal. It might certainly be the shot in the arm that Me v me snooker desperately needs. My main worry is that they will knock my Tascam over though.
The tour programmes always provide me with a good work out and this was no exception. An hour or so of carrying boxes down a flight of stairs is surprisingly hard work and I built up quite a sweat. I was worried they wouldn't all fit, but there was still room for the rest of my tour equipment at the front.
And as I have a bit of time on my hands (and quite a lot of old programmes left) I am going to make a programme offer for any of you who wish to own the programmes from my shows. If you donate £20 to SCOPE via my justgiving page and then email me your address to email@example.com, I will send you a signed copy of every single SCOPE programme that I've produced. That's 2003 Talking Cock tour, 2004 12 Tasks of Hercules Terrace, 2005 Someone Likes Yoghurt, 2006 menage a un, 2007 Oh Fuck I'm 40, 2008 The Headmaster's Son, 2009 Hitler Moustache, 2010 Christ on a Bike, 2011 What is Love Anyway and 2012 Talking Cock. There are only very limited numbers of the menage a un and Hercules programme left so if lots of people take up this offer (which they won't) then you might not get those two, but if you're quick you will. That's (up to) 10 programmes for £20 (including p&p) and all the money will got to SCOPE. I'll even chuck in signed flyers for nearly all those shows as well. But please order quickly as soon I'll be off on tour and won't have the time. I can dedicate them to you or a friend and will send them to whatever address you wish. If you live outside of the UK please donate a little bit more for postage.
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