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I played tennis for the first time in about 6 weeks today and though there was a definite decline in quality, I played adequately. At one point I reached over a bench to retrieve a ball with my racquet and it was a bit further away than I thought. I stretched a bit and it felt like the bench slightly gave way. But the weird sensation and pop that I had felt had actually happened within me. I'd pulled something in my chest. It hurt a little bit, but everything hurts a little bit now, so I carried on.
Life as a nearly 59-year-old is almost constant pain. Yesterday it was my inexplicable eye pain and now it was some weird thing in my chest. It didn't hurt too badly when I was sitting down at home, but when I was walking the dog it came back again. It reminded me a bit of the pain I'd had when I cracked my rib trying to leap-frog on to a high stool in that pre-Taskmaster Edinburgh show, which Tim Key had moved at the last second. Was it possible I had cracked a rib leaning over a bench? Surely not. Also it wasn't a constant pain.
I wondered if I'd somehow made an artery pop out of where it was meant to be, but reasonably assumed that I'd probably be dead by now if that was the case.
I just accepted it was a mildly pulled muscle - one of the ones I don't use very much. This would be my pain for today. What would it be tomorrow? And did Caffe Nero have the drugs that could cure this one?
I am, of course, starting to think about my next stand-up show, Oh Shit I'm 60! And hope it isn't going to be an entire hour of me complaining about aches and pains and illnesses and my inability to get an erection. Though so far, that's all I've really got.
I think the main thing about being 60 is probably the realisation that that's it. In terms of shooting your shot. You might have been waiting for a big break or some kind of acclaim, but if it hasn't happened by the time you're 60, then that's it really isn't it? It's not happening now. It's not necessarily a bad thing. In many ways it's good to know that your dreams will never come true and you should just make the best of whatever mess you've made of life. But you're really not going to suddenly find yourself propelled into success, if you haven't already had the ground-breaking success of your life.
Come on Rich. It's never too late. Loads of people have found their calling late in life. There's loads of memes of it all over social media. Don't give up, it can still happen.
Though if you look into those memes they are not of much comfort to people in their late 50s.
Just a quick google of people who made a success of their lives....
Ray Kroc was 52 when he founded McDonald's. S
Vera Wang was 40 when she entered fashion.
Reid Hoffman founded LinkedIn at 35. Thirty-five? How is that late in life? Some people haven't even moved out of their parents' house by then.
Arianna Huffington launched HuffPost at 55.
Wait - Mother Theresa is on there. Surely that's a good sign for the wrinklies as no one was more wrinkly than her. She didn't start her mission until she was... what? Thirty-fucking eight.
A lot of actors spent years of work before becoming famous.
Pedro Pascal was in his late 30s (come on), Kathy Bates was 42 when she did Misery, Harrison Ford was a carpenter and didn't get into Star Wars until he was (fucking hell) 35.
Morgan Freeman! That's a good one. Morgan Freeman was really old when he finally became a star.... 50.
You really have to stretch things to find people older than 60 who made something of their lives
Nelson Mandela didn't become President of South Africa until he was 75! Yes! But c'mon, there might be a reason for that. It wasn't like no one knew who he was til then. He had student JCRs named after him when he was probably in his 30s.
Fauja Singh began running marathons at age 89 and continued to age 101. OK, but he wasn't winning Marathons was he? The only thing he did was do something that was tough for a really old person, when he was really old. Not knocking it, but his success was just not sitting in a chair like most 90 year olds. I want more than that.
Literally the only person I can find who found success after the age of 60 is Colonel Sanders who founded Kentucky Fried Chicken at the age of 62. He only found fame by deciding to start a full scale war against chickens and must be responsible for billions of deaths, both of birds and his cholesterol-clogged customers.
So mass murder is the only real option for the over-60s if they want to gain renown and only if they can overcome the inexplicable pains in muscles and bones that they didn't know existed.
Might just have to rest on my limited amount of laurels. Not enough laurels to make into a comfortable bed though. It's a bit like when I lie on my son's bottom bunk. It's got cuddly toys on there, but not so many to form a mattress, just lumps that push into your back and make you uncomfortable.
I guess it takes a lot of laurels to get beyond that stage.
It’s never too late though. Unless you’re over 62 or been a political prisoner for 27 years or can be arsed to run further than people are expecting you to.
