Wellingborough tonight and the most difficult gig of the tour so far. Not the worst attended, but the good people of Wellingborough seemed to react in a unique way to the show. Some laughed uproariously at the more serious bits and many of the banker jokes got a somewhat muted response. Perhaps I have just been spoiled by the good shows so far (and the particularly great one on Wednesday), but it seemed I had to work hard to get a response.
I think at some theatres maybe there are people who just come to see whatever is on and there seemed to be a lot of real (or mock) shocked responses to some of the(admittedly) rude stuff.
Not to say there werenÂ’t some people enjoying it. The people in the front row were priceless and really getting into it. Thank God for them.
They were also the first audience in which the women expressed the opinion that it was impossible for a man to fake an orgasm. Usually when I ask “What do you think girls, can a man fake an orgasm?”, I get a few mumbles, an odd bit of dissent, but usually a very loud “Yes” from someone. So much so that I can say, “Oh, yes! They have to with me. I’m useless at it.”
This surprises me, not because I donÂ’t think men fake orgasms (I am sure they do), but because the generally accepted stereotype of men is that we always come much too quickly. So I would have thought women would vehemently protest that men donÂ’t fake and that it would be impossible in any case.
And in Wellingborough (the contrary town) that is what happened. Particularly the woman in the front row. “No!” she shouted, derisorily. “Of course they can’t!”
So the expectations of the crowd were confounded when I revealed that one in three men claim they have, and when I went on to recount the story of the man who was having sex with his girlfriend from behind, knew he wasnÂ’t going to come, so he withdrew and then to simulate orgasm, he spat on her back. This usually gets a groan or a laugh or a groaning laugh or a laughing groan. (Didn't David Bowie write a song about that?)
But in Wellingborough the priceless, good value lady in the front row shouted “No. It wouldn’t be warm enough!”
She would see through the ruse, because of her ability to differentiate the temperature of various bodily fluids. I will allow your own imaginations to ascertain how she became such an expert on the thermal dynamics of spit and sperm, as I think it would be ungentlemanly to commit the scenario that I am imagining to paper.
On the night I found this very amusing and accused her boyfriend of having particularly hot sperm.
I didnÂ’t really have time for an in depth discussion, but I would have thought if anything that spit would be warmer than sperm. The reasons that the testicles are outside the body is so that sperm can be kept cooler than body temperature. From my own experience of sperm (so far always my own) I would say itÂ’s usually quite cool (compared to spit anyway or am I abnormal in some way?) But IÂ’m only working from memory and itÂ’s not something I really want to do an experiment with here at my desk. And seeing as IÂ’ve just found out that my mum reads this diary, I think IÂ’ll have to leave it there.
But if any scientist reading this can let me know which bodily fluid is the warmest then it would put my mind at rest. (Only scientists please. I now have an unpleasant mental image of everyone reading this doing some nasty experiments. I need laboratory tested statistics only, please.)
