Thursday 14th February 2013
My wife and I shared our sixth Valentine's Day today and you all know what that means. That's right, 32 Ferrero Rocher chocolates (she actually got 35 because I bought one pack of 15 and two heart-shaped tins of 10 each). If you don't know what I am talking about then this should explain or purchase the What is Love, Anyway? DVD for the full unexpurgated story.
It's getting to the point where it is financially (and chocolately) worth my wife staying in this marriage even if she has come to hate me, just for the yearly bonanza of unpleasant Hazelnut testicular sweetmeats. By 2020 she could set up a business selling cut price Ferrero Rochers and by 2050 she will be the richest woman on the planet (and I will be the poorest man). She is not keeping up her end of the bargain though and just eats the chocolates rather than storing them for future pyramid based work. There's nothing I can do.
It's typical that I made this rash mathematical promise to the woman I've ended up having the most successful relationship of my life with. There's only two or three other girlfriends who would have got more than one chocolate and even the most successful former lover would have only walked away with a maximum of seven Ferrero Rochers, but my wife has already had over 60 chocolates out of me and it's only going to get worse! Unless I can somehow get out of this relationship. Probably getting married wasn't the best way to engineer that. I will plough onwards. Next year is still do-able and the year after that might be fine as well. But from 2016 onwards I might have to look into extending the mortgage. We may have to live on the streets but at least we'll never go hungry (well I might, I don't really like Ferrero Rochers and they all belong to my wife anyway).
I still retain much of my suspicion and resentment of Valentine's Day, having for so long been an urchin staring in at it with my nose pressed against the window, wishing I could sample some of the wares on offer for those gits in relationships. And I still prefer to celebrate the destruction of love on St Skeletor's Day. I don't need to have a special day to celebrate my love for my wife, nice as it is to have the excuse to go for a meal, as I get to spend every day with her. And having been an outsider I still think it's cruel to the loveless to have a day that makes them aware of something they're already painfully aware of. We went out for a posh meal, which was lovely, but looking around the restaurant at tables that were pretty much exclusively taken by couples it all felt rather forced and odd to me. If you are being forced to celebrate romance then that isn't very romantic is it? And the only thing that can happen is that you don't do enough and upset your partner - it's unlikely that you'll do something so wonderful that they will be impressed (not every year). I looked at the other couples and wondered how many of them would be together next Valentine's. If you took these forty or so pairings and made them do the Valentine's Ferrero Rocher challenge, how many chocolates would you end up with? Now I was inside the citadel of Valentine love I realised that there was an air of desperation and necessity and that the people inside are not necessarily enjoying it any more than those outside. The whole day is a sham.
I did enjoy myself, but not as much as I did at the impromptu, unplanned night of eating and drinking that we'd had last night. Love is about spontaneity not saintly enforcement. And one Ferrero Rocher can mean more than a posho dinner. But will end up costing you more if you allow the romance to run away with you!
I guess all I am saying is that it all starts to feel like a love competition when all the lovers are forced to do their loving thing on the same night. But I don't care about that really, because luckily my wife is the best by miles so it's a competition that I have already won (plus she is way too good for me, meaning that I have also beaten her, so I am the best one from the best couple). Take that loser other lovers.
The bit for Weekly Wipe that I recorded on Monday is now up on iPlayer. Predictably only a tiny sliver of the hour long conversation we enjoyed made it on to the programme. I don't know what they will do with the rest. I suspect put it in a big burning bin with the horsemeat.
I hate to talk about all the work I do for charity - mainly because I do so much work for charity that talking about it gives me less time to do charitable deeds. But I have been nominated for a Justgiving award and it's down to a public vote, so please vote for me if you feel the inclination. I just want to beat Bane. Then I can feel like a Batman. Obviously it will be good for SCOPE if I win, but more importantly I will actually get an award! Don't let Bane's evil be rewarded.
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