Thursday 12th January 2012
What a world! Where some men kill some other men and then wee on them and it's the weeing part that is seen as being offensive. Is taking someone's life not enough for you? I was a bit embarrassed when the man shot my brains out so they went all over my shirt, but what really got my goat was when he weed on me.
If someone killed me, to be honest, they've over stepped the line for me and I am not really that bothered what they do to me then. They can dress me up in women's underwear, wire me up to some electricity and make my corpse into a puppet that dances, whilst one of them ventriloquises so it looks like I am saying that I have sex with my dad and like eating dog poo afterwards. The damage has been done. I am dead. In a sense if they suddenly start treating my body with reverence and respect after they have killed me, that's more insulting. Like that reverence somehow excuses what they did. Like my dead body is somehow more holy and important once I am not in there any more. Like that makes up for the whole unpleasantness. Now it's just some meat they start respecting my human rights? It's too late to be respectful then. Respect me by not killing me. Get your priorities right, world. Killing is much worse than weeing on. And being weed on is not nice, but even if it was the cold wee of alcoholics with bladder infections, collected over a course of years and then kept in a big vat, which then get poured all over me, provided that didn't kill me, I would prefer that to being killed.
And I'd also prefer to see a world where wars were conducted with urine rather than bullets. If you got weed on, or had wee thrown at you, or were splattered by wee from a wee bomb (not a small bomb, any Scotchers reading - I mean a bomb containing wee of any size. Also not a yes bomb to any French people having this read to them), then you were out of the war. It would be humiliating and nasty, but at least you'd be alive. And you could wash off the wee.
Of course it might escalate. Some people might add poo to the mix, which would be disrespectful (still not as disrespectful as killing people though) or maybe cum (which in some ways could be seen as a compliment) or bogeys smeared under a desk, as a kind of effluent landmine. But as long as it remains as bodily waste then that's still preferable to death. Of course someone for whom the killing bit is important will think of freezing the wee or poo into a dagger that they can stab you with, but we can have rules that will make it clear that that isn't on.
You may call me a dreamer,but I'm not the only one.... hang on, I've asked around on this and I am the only one.
But if you had the choice between being killed and weed on then I think you'd go for being weed on (some of you would want it even if being killed wasn't the option - perverts). If you were going to be both killed and weed on, I reckon you'd probably prefer they did the weeing after the killing. In many ways weeing on someone once they're dead is the most respectful option.
I might actually ask to be weed on first. Partly because that would give me a few extra seconds of life to enjoy. Admittedly those seconds would involve a lot of urine on me, which wouldn't have been the finale I had hoped for, but when you know that you are about to die then I assume that you appreciate life much more than you do when you just think you're going to die at some unspecified point in the future and I think that I'd appreciate the wonder of life and of micturation and in these circumstances the shower of wee might be a beautiful thing. It would be bitter-sweet. Especially if the wee-er was diabetic.
Also though if you got weed on before you died there's a chance you could catch some of the wee and flick it back in the wee-er's eyes, temporarily blinding them so that you could make good your escape (though the dripping wee would make you easy to track), whilst they shout, "No, my own wee!" Though if the wee-er has any sense he will have weed in your eyes so that you will find it much harder to make good your escape.
I think overall, I'd be happier if the weeing happened after I was dead. I'd be happiest if I wasn't killed. Or weed on. But if these things were going to happen anyway, then I'd like to be dead first.
At least I invented another TV show to add to my already impressive portfolio - Shag, Marry or Kill then wee on. You can play it at home.
And if you're really specialist you can play Shag, then wee on, Marry, then wee on or Kill then wee on. Have fun.
And try to live a life where you neither kill or wee on anyone else (unless they expressly request that you wee on them).
By the way, if you're one of those IDIOTS who bought Christ on a Bike from someone other than GoFasterStripe (or if you were bought it by an IDIOT) who got it somewhere else, then you can now buy the exclusive third disc on its own for a tenner, with four and a half hours of extras including the last ever Collings and Herrin live podcast and the 1999 documentary "Richard Herring in Fiji". Get it here. And if you're one of those SUPER-IDIOTS who doesn't have the Christ on a Bike DVD at all then buy all three discs (for less than it would cost to buy the 2 disc set on Amazon) here. Buy the programme - all the profit from that goes to SCOPE.
Talking of which, why not vote for SCOPE as Poundland's charity of the year?
Oh, also my mum, who reads this blog (oh dear, I really should have thought about that before I wrote this), emailed me to tell me never to have a hot bath after exercise as she knows people who've had heart attacks after doing that. I am a bit confused as she spent half my life trying to make me have baths and now when I finally want to do that, she's telling me not to. But it's good advice from the Bobby Robson faced pensioner there. Please do be careful when you exercise (or play snooker against yourself) and then bathe.
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