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We will never forget.... but we might repeat.
We were going to set off at midday, but I wanted to observe the two minute silence. I also needed a wee. It was about two minutes to midday. Did I have time to do my wee before the silence began? Is doing a wee considered being silent? If you make the wee hit the porcelain rather than the water? How would the people who died for our freedom feel if they knew that 80 years after the war a man would be weeing, instead of silently thanking them? As long as I was thinking of them surely it was OK?
I thought I could get it done before the clock struck twelve, like a micturating Cinderella, but the hotel I was in was not going silent (unlike Caffe Nero who have some respect, despite having officially been on the other side in the war). I think I was technically still in the loo at midday, but I wasn't touching my penis or making a whizzing sound from any orifice, so I think I just about got away with it. Hopefully my Great Uncle Ernie will forgive me any trespass. And once I was out all the posh cunts in my hotel were chatting away like they cared nothing for freedom and were looking forward to it all happening again.
This morning I had another idea for a TV quiz show. I sent it in to my management company and was told that the idea I had back in September hadn't set the TV world alight, but that I could have a go at writing this one up. It's a tricky format to get into because what makes shows successful is maybe 50% the idea and maybe 50% execution. Pointless is a good idea for a show, but the chemistry and humour of Xander and Richard (particularly Richard) made it work. You can't really put "Richard Osman will treat the format respectfully but with almost indefinable cheekiness, both revering the show and taking the piss out of it in a way that will be hard to put your finger on, but that you will enjoy regardless" in the treatment. Similarly Taskmaster is a super strong conceit, but it comes alive when you see Greg and Alex interacting and discovering their personalities and roles and relationship as they navigate 19 series.
I like both my ideas, even the rejected one, but I fancy they will either live or die by who ends up doing them and what happens between the questions or challenges. It's a fair bet that we won't be troubled by finding out if I was right or wrong about either of them. But I will keep throwing my shit at the wall until I can no longer throw. Or shit. Whichever comes sooner.
I am confident I would have made TV slightly better, rather than slightly worse, had I been given the green light a bit more often. It's sad when one bites the dust, but never unexpected. I can still shit and I can still throw. So watch out TV executives, cos I am aiming it all at you.
Catie (with the assistance of a friends) has managed to put the table tennis table together. I am very excited about it, though disappointed not to be involved in the maiden voyage of ping pong. This is a toy for the kids, remember. I must remember. I will let them play with it. One at a time. As my easily beatable opponents.
Feeling a bit better today, though the cough won't quite quit and my snot is turning red from all the blowing I've been doing. Blowing my nose. Not cocks behind the bus station. And anyone who says they've seen me doing that and that I'm charging £10 a time in a desperate attempt to make this tour profitable is lying.
Back to the Warwick Arts Centre for something like the 20th time. I've done practically every show I've done on tour here since the mid-90s. "Have you been here before?" asked the man who greeted me at the stage door? I confirmed I had. "In this room?"
"Yes. A couple of times."
That's show business.
The crew (even though they didn't know who I was) were super nice and I had a bit more life in me and it was an enjoyable show (for me and hopefully for them). There were over 200 in (which is only about half full, maybe why the guy asked me if I'd been before). I think I might have sold this place out a couple of times back in the day. Some places up, some places down. Enough people coming to make it viable to tour (provided there are a few bus stations and horny men near enough of the gigs).
I’d like to step away from stand up whilst I am still at the top. It’s just taking so fucking long to get there. But as soon as I get there, I am stepping the fuck away.
