Warming Up

Watch out everyone. I think Dominic Raab saying "The police don't normally look back and investigate things that have taken place a year ago”

is a trick to make people admit to crimes on Twitter, in the assumption that anyone would be stupid enough to say that for real. Then once they have the confession, the police will swoop in and lock you up.

It’s the only rational explanation.

Though I have to say that I don’t think it’s a bad idea that you can only prosecute crimes when people are literally caught in the act. It would really clear up the backlog in the courts and make things much clearer. You’d know if you did a crime and no one caught you that you were safe from prosecution and you could get on with your life. And the police could get on with trying to solve crimes that were happening NOW, rather than having to waste their time trying to gather evidence for stuff that happened five minutes ago. Or more.

And then I could sleep at night, not worrying about being apprehended for all the Kinder eggs I stole in the early 90s.

Damn you Raab. You trapped me. Well played sir, well played.

A genius is never recognised in his own home town, which is bad news for me, because I’ve finally made the front page of the Cheddar Valley Gazette. I’ve come a long way since they referred to me as "nationally known comedian”. Now I am the cover star. Not as important a story as a woman putting up an umbrella to protect herself from some lights (even today electricity is feared in Somerset- Helen Trott tweeted me to show off that that was her), sure, but still front page. And I am now a “star”, though that does not clarify if I am now famous or just known and how far my fame/notoriety goes. National? International? Or just local?

Sure, Owen Masters tweeted me to say that he’d made the front page in 1991 when he won “Give Us A Break” on Radio 1 (winning a ghetto blaster) but his victory is tainted by its association with DLT. Which is much worse than an association with a cancerous testicle.

Sure I may have won BAFTAs, British Comedy Awards and Mastermind, but this front page means more to me than all those awards and trophies put together. And surely that admission is worthy of front page news for next week too.

One week on the front page is nice, but two in a row? That would be something special. Even if I have to commit an atrocity to achieve it.