Although I thought the Deal, No Deal party might be the highpoint of my life, I did always know at the back of my mind that there was a current TV related party that I would rather be at. Although I like Deal, No Deal (that's the correct title), my favourite programme at the moment is "Shipwrecked: Battle of the Islands" or as I insist on calling it "Shipwrecked 2006:Battle of the Islands". When I like a TV show I find that it is important to slightly change the title, maybe to show that it is actually owned by me, its greatest fan.
I like "Shipwrecked 2006:Battle of the Islands" mainly because I would really like to go on holiday at the moment and I dream of being allowed to loll around on a tropical island for months on end, like the beautiful layabouts who are my new best friends (even though they don't know it). It's not because the show mainly involves young attractive women cavorting around in bikinis. I don't like that element of it. I just enjoy the competition.
It's a brilliant show and I think the only way to improve it is, along with all the beautiful 18-23 years olds, they should have a fat spotty 38 year old man who spends most of the time just sitting on the beach, ogling the women and then gets drunk, tries to get off with them all and then shouts abuse at them when they turn him down. And then he tries to get off with Badoo, who is definitely at the top of my gay list if I ever decide to plough that furrow.
If the producers decide to take up this idea for Shipwrecked 2007 then I think I would be perfect person for the job. I am great at ogling and making women feel uncomfortable. And you won't find a more lecherous and surly drunk than me.
But in the abscence of this groundbreaking new development in the Shipwrecked franchise the only thing I could realisitically dream about is going to a party with all the women who are young enough to be my daughters (or sons Badoo if you're reading) from the show. Of course that would never happen.
Or would it? The same week as the DND party? No way. People would think I was a fantasist just making all this stuff up. You know a bit of a weird fantasist who imagines probably the saddest and most pathetic life possible for a man of my age.
Well it happened tonight. Almost.
Evil Grub Smith had invited me to a poker tournament organised by Maxim magazine. I thought it was just going to be poker, but when I got there there was quite a big party going on, with a VIP area that I was allowed to go in because I have appeared in several episodes of the Channel 4 daytime quiz "Back in the Day".
This VIP bit was packed full of stocky bald men and a literal bevy of beautiful women (if you happen to find the kind of women who appear in Maxim beautiful- I am more classy than that, choosing to masturbate instead to M&S commercials. Because I am sophisticated). Anyway there were a few "celebrities" present, like that bloke who used to be in Eastenders and Teddy Sherringham and John McCririck. And Grub Smith of course, but amongst the buxom models in their skimpy dresses (I expect, I didn't really look at them to be honest) I spotted one of the girls from off of Shipwrecked. The one who used to be married. I was at a party with one of the girls from Shipwrecked. A very tiny part of my dream had come true. She was then joined by another girl from Shipwrecked 2006:Battle of the Islands. You know the little one who I think was a poledancer or something. I don't know any of their names. I am not interested in that. Only at gawping at them on TV. Or from behind a palm tree.
For the second time in less than a week I was in awe at being in the company of some ordinary people who are familiar to me because they have appeared on TV essentially doing nothing.
The DND people were much more easy to approach than these pretty girls though. I wanted to go up and tell them how much I enjoyed their show, but I was afraid that I would just laugh like a dumb yokel, whilst salivating. Maybe later when I was drunk I could live out my true dream, though with us all wearing more clothes than we would on a desert island. If any producer was watching they might see me swearing at these blameless young women who were justifiably not interested in talking to an overweight, bellowing, prophanity belching, belching old man. Even if he was due to appear on Channel 5's Movie Lounge next month (possibly, appearance not yet confirmed). So I just stood near them and listened to their conversations a bit. Like some kind of crazed and unpleasant stalker. It would be indiscrete to tell you the things I heard, but never mind. My favourite bit was when the little one was talking about the vibrator she took with her to the island. You can't get stuff like that from actually talking to people. You can only get it from eavesdropping on their conversations. Ha ha ha. I am the saddest human being on this planet.
Even though I was surrounded by beautiful (depending on your definition of beauty) models I would rather have been in Bristol with the DND freaks. Sam and Lucy might not have breasts that look like they've been pumped up with a bicycle pump to comical proportions and then just to be sure pumped up to double that size, but they are to my perverted, borderline dirty old man eye much more attractive.
These women are too intimidating to approach (even if you wanted to) and I suspect that even if you bothered that they might not actually have anything to say to you.
So I concentrated on the poker, but my bad run continues. I was busted out when I was ridiculously called on an all in by a man with Jack seven unsuited. I had a pair of fives, so it was quite close as it happened. Still a stupid call by him. Except that the flop came down Jack, Jack, seven. Just a jack would have been enough to beat me. Just a seven would have sufficed. But the poker gods hate me so much that they had to mock me by immediately producing three of the six cards in the pack that could beat me.
Still you know what they say, unlucky at cards, lucky at love. So could I follow up my failed menage a trois with Lucy and Sam with another reality TV group sex session with the girls with no named from Shipwrecked 2006:Battle of the Islands? Of course not. I just got drunk and went home alone as usual.
Ah well. Probably for the best huh?
