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Monday 28th April 2014


I went swimming this lunchtime, which was hard work, but I managed to push myself into doing twenty minutes when I wanted to give up at 5. My forte at exercise seems to be in tricking myself into doing just a little bit more, but then when I've done that convincing myself that I should just carry on for another couple of minutes. I am very gullible, especially as I am the one perpetrating the hoax, but this is one of the benefits of having a Me1/Me2 personality disorder. But who is fooling who? Me 1 would surely be the one who wanted to do the exercise, but Me2 is too smart to fall for that. Me2 wouldn't give a fuck about remaining in shape - he wants to die - so who is fooling who here?

Afterwards in the changing room I was wearing just a towel and drying my hair (but only my hair, never use a hair dryer to dry your genitals) and was standing next to a very buff and fit young man with incredible tattoos on his chest and leg. I wanted to tell him that I liked his tattoos, but in the semi-nude circumstances it seemed inappropriate. He might not like a stranger talking to him at all, but it might also appear like a come-on. It wouldn't be though. Although he was a very attractive and fit young man and I am sure it would be lovely being cradled in his strong arms, I was just impressed by his tattoos. But sometimes a polite comment can be taking as impolite in the wrong circumstances. He might not appreciate a chubby old man with no top on passing comment on something so personal. Or alternatively he might appreciate it in a way that I didn't intend and I would become his changing room bitch.

I wouldn't have liked that one bit. And anyone who says I would is lying.

It's odd how not having many clothes on changes the way we interact with each other. Though to be honest he'd probably still have punched me if I'd dared to have talked to him in the cafe.

And although it was never established whether he had a big, average or small penis (or like pretty much every man the flaccid length varied due to different circumstances) Max Clifford was found guilty of his sex crimes. Even if he was actually innocent, like he claims (and like I personally don't think he is), there is a certain degree of justice to him being convicted on the evidence of people making up a load of lies about a sexual encounter with a "celebrity". If he's guilty (which the jury says he is) then there's even more justice of course.

Either way, as I've said before, "he who lives by the pork sword...."

But the real question now is who will he bring down with him? This is a man with a lot of shit on a lot of people. Things could turn nasty. One way or the other. If a man knows too much there's no telling what might happen to him. Although, then again, some might argue that this whole thing is just a revenge plot anyway. But like I say, it is hard to feel sympathy.

I think the trial took his toll on him, if this bizarre clip from Sky News is anything to go by. For some reason Clifford decides to creep up on the reporter as he talks about the serious nature of the trial and try to turn it into a sketch or something, by aping his movements. As a pastiche it was quite a weak idea, but given that the reporter is talking about him it's even weirder. Especially as just as this starts the reporter starts talking about Clifford's penis length, which makes the ill-judged improvisation all the more uncomfortable and strange. Clifford gives a sad little headshake. He's too committed to the idea to stop, but has been presented with the true seediness and everything that is going on. It's horrific and embarrassing and dark, but funny too and is thus one of the greatest moments of television I have ever seen. Right down to the point at which Clifford is discovered it's got perfect cringe-worthy timing. I only wish we could see what the reporter said next, but suspect that it was "fucking Hell" which is why it cuts out abruptly.

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