Warming Up

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It seems Lord Alan Sugar, the essential God of this artificial Matrix inside an Amstrad emailer phone that we live in, does not want me to become a millionaire. Or even pay off my Edinburgh debt. I had my £30 winnings from the last 2-1 Spurs game riding on the same score. Win this and I was just two bets away from breaking even on plays this year. But maybe I would just spin the wheel one more time so that I could put on nine more equally money losing plays. Don’t get greedy, Rich. Especially given that the final score today was 0-0.

But I got something more valuable than money today… oh no, hold on, I’ve just checked, it was less valuable than money… Lord Sugar actually engaged with me. It was mind-blowing.

I was up to my usual schtick of RTing his football comments and commenting on them in return and carrying on my long running “joke” (could be inverted comments because it’s actually a serious theory or because it’s not funny or both) that Sugar makes up the football scores himself and his feed dictates the scores. He tweeted, "Hmm Spurs so lucky for score to be 0-0 at half time. I fear Man U are going to score early in the 2nd half. They have been unlucky"

I commented "Lord Sugar "fears" that. He KNOWS that, because he programmed it into his amstrad emailer phone. Just before programming in 2 Spurs goals."

A couple of idiots tried to dob me in by tweeting me and Lord Sugar simultaneously. This occasionally happens, which is a shame as it might blow the whole enterprise, but Sugar has never responded before and as far as I am aware has no idea what I am doing. I suspect with his itchy blocking finger that he would soon “fire” me (geddit?) if he had any idea.

With the second half underway and the score still 0-0 I tweeted "Getting nervous that something has gone wrong with the Matrix."

Sugar seemed to be worrying about the same thing, "10 mins. In to 2nd half. I am surprised Man U haven't come out fighting”. He seemed to be in flux. He had already mistakenly referred to one of the players by its robot designation RVP (which he then hastily deleted).

I said "Even Lord Sugar seems perturbed. As if things are not operating to the programme that he wrote. Are the machines taking over?"

Sugar then said, “Fazio” (another robot name clearly) "been good today winning the ball . I hope he does not slip up and make a mistake . Would take 0-0 now 66 mins”

I panicked "He would "take" 0-0. He's lost control of the Matrix. Repeat Sugar has lost control of the Matrix. This is not a drill."

Even though Sugar does not follow me and I had not @ed him in, his internet tendrils somehow located me for the first time (I felt like Winston Smith in 1984) and Lord Sugar RTed me, with his own comment

"“@Herring1967: He would "take" 0-0. He's lost control of Matrix. Repeat Sugar has lost control of Matrix. This is not a drill.”.....what?"

He knew what. He knew what.

Everything was coming down around my ears. I tweeted "Delete everything. Delete everything. He's on to us. It's only taken two years but he's on to us.” Before  adding "The streams have crossed. I have crossed streams with Lord Sugar."

Of course realising that the jig was up Sugar executed a hard reset and the score was 0-0 in the end. But he couldn’t escape the pattern entirely, transferring the 2-1 result to his supposed rivals Arsenal. Well played Sugar. You were lucky this time. I only have to be lucky on five consecutive occasions.

I remained unblocked by Sugar so at least the Lord Sugar RTing service should remain operational. But now he has RTed me so everything has changed. My main fear is that he then RTs my RT of his RT. I don’t think any of us can survive that.

Incredibly the Slytherin notebook sold for £1320 and despite some overseas bids it is staying in the UK. After eBay have taken their hard-earned cut, the rest will go into the fund to make more internet programming for you to enjoy (though alas that’s only about the cost of filming and editing one episode of RHLSTP). The rare Talking Cock programme went for £50 and is heading to Belgium. But you still have a chance to get your hands on the only other one that I have (or at least that I can find). Watch my New Year video on my youtube channel  to see all the amazing prizes that are up for grabs in our end of 2014 monthly subscribers draw. If you don’t want these things yourself you can make a lot of money from them on eBay! I will be putting up more items for auction in the coming weeks in order to help fund podcasts, TMWRNJ DVD release and Scope.

 A few of you have been asking about the Stewart Lee podcast. We will hopefully be putting it out soon as a paid download to raise money for possible TMWRNJ DVD release, but are waiting for his management to OK the footage. Which hopefully they will do in the New Year. The Trevor Lock/Paul Putner podcast will be going out for free at the end of the series. Out every Wednesday in the usual places. Five more still to come in this series and tickets are on sale for the shows in June and July (no guests confirmed as yet, obviously)