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Monday 28th January 2019

5903/18923

OK, here’s my Brexit plan. No second referendum. But in the next fortnight every single person must register themselves as Remain or Leave - you don’t have to choose the same thing you voted for, but you have to choose. If Brexit comes off as a success then Leave-o-philes get special privileges in the new order and extra food and medicine and Remoaners have to apologise to them every time they meet. If it fails and food and medicine are in short supply then Remoaners get priority and Leave-o-philes have to beg for scraps, whilst apologising to all Remoaners for the rest of their lives.
If more people choose Remain than Leave in this process then we don’t leave. 
It’s not a referendum. 
Hope this will be tabled as an amendment. I’d ideally like everyone to be tattooed leave or remain on their faces too. Just so we can be sure.

I particularly liked this paragraph - 

The claim was reportedly repeated by the boy’s aunt Breanna Hathaway. “He said he hung out with a bear for two days,” Hathaway wrote in a Facebook post. “God sent him a friend to keep him safe. God is a good God. Miracles do happen.”

Nice of God to send the boy a friendly bear. Might have been nicer to stop him getting lost in the first place or send a human who knew the way out, but I love the way God mixes things up with a prank or two, plus a random approach to which kids live and which die. Or maybe he just lets the prickish kids perish and sends friendly bears to the ones he just wants to give a warning to.

And as we seem to be having a news round up today. Notts County owner Alan Hardy - whose name is not only appropriate but also looks more like a penis in a suit than almost anyone I’ve ever seen before- was in trouble for accidentally tweeting a picture of his erect penis. But glad to see he’s agreed to erectify the error. 
Given that every man in the world with a camera has at some point taken a picture of his penis, it seems unfair that Alan is being singled out. He only tweeted it subtly. Loads of men do it, full screen to complete strangers and somehow don’t regard themselves as flashers. The world is a very different place this century.
The article says "But the League Two strugglers later confirmed on Sunday night that Hardy had put the club for sale to focus on his "external business portfolio”.”...
Which is coincidentally what I also call my penis. And it gets most of my focus too. So no judgement  Alan. Let he without penis selfies take  pictures of his stones.

Talking of stones - though in this case very much not testicles and anyone thinking that that’s what my podcast is really about is very much mistaken - There is literally nothing like a stone clearing podcast to get the day off to a flying start. Chapter 10 of infinity is now up in the usual places.
(Do listen to it now before I start doing the whole thing in Anglo-Saxon, which I am fully intending to attempt).
If you thought it would never last this long, then wait til you see how long it is going to go on. I am carrying on to my death and beyond. And if my ghost is unable to do it I will pay someone to walk weekly round the field and record and podcast the silence that is there because of my absence, whilst wearing a mask of my face.
Also, in case I haven’t mentioned this, I very much want my ashes scattered on my main cairn, and ideally just to be buried beneath it using the kind of shaft technology employed in the pyramids. And I want my funeral service carried out in the field too. And it’s very important that the permission of the farmer who owns the field is not sought or given.
This is my wish. Please make sure my wife complies. Ideally I’d like her buried in with me, even if she is alive, just to keep up the Pharaoh tradition, but apparently in this day and age women have rights to protest against such things. But why wouldn’t she want to be in there with me? Does she love me or not?

Some very high quality additions to the RHLSTP line-up
With Jon Ronson joining me on 4th Feb
Matt Lucas on 11th March
And Professor Alice Roberts on 1st April

Full confirmed line-up is

Feb 4th Emily Atack + Jon Ronson

Feb 11th Rob Brydon and David Morrissey

Feb 18th James Acaster and London Hughes 

Feb 25th Joel Dommett and Suzi Ruffell

March 4th Les Dennis and Matt Forde

March 11th Rosie Jones + Matt Lucas

March 18th Sindhu Vee + TBA

March 25th TBA

April 1st No Such Thing as a Fish Podcast + Alice Roberts



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