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Tuesday 27th July 2021


Has anyone pitched a TV drama where it turns out the conspiracy theorists are right and that the vaccine will kill everyone who takes it after two years, so all that’s left is anti-vaxxers? Like 70s drama Survivors, but all the survivors are dicks? Anyone want to make that? Could be fun.

Had some wild dreams last night and I wouldn't usually share such boring nonsense with you, but I think the one I had just before waking might be a potentially world changing business.
In the dream I needed a poo and I was in a queue for some public toilets. There were loads of toilets, but they were all taken. To begin with the queue was small and I was near the front, but more and more people turned up and things were getting mobbed and I was worried about losing my place. Eventually a door became free and it was my turn, but the door opened up on  a small cupboard with no facilities in it. Luckily I managed to convince the mob that I was next and got in the next cubicle in the central section. Once inside I saw that the cubicles were all divided by perspex sheets and you could see the top half of everyone else on the toilet. I also realised that we were on a bus. Some of the toilet users were actually sitting at tables facing each other, but I guess they knew each other. They were chatting and I realised this was why the queue was so long. I was pretty cross. People were talking rather than pooing and holding up pooers like me.
The woman in the next cubicle asked me if I was vegetarian and was affronted when I told her I was not, as if being next to someone pooing meat products was almost as offensive as eating them. To be fair the facilities were not well ventilated and I guess meat poo particles might end up in her nostrils. I chastised her though as she didn't have the right to tell me what kind of things I could and couldn't poo. She pulled down the perspex and we ignored each other.
The bus then moved on its way, which was annoying to me as I just needed a poo and wanted to stay where I was. I hadn't finished my poo and was getting further away from where I needed to be. It also struck me that people would stay in their cubicles until they got to the stop they needed so that’s why the queue was so long. But also what if I was still doing my poo and missed my stop? There were all kinds of problems with this surprise toilet cubicle turning out to be a bus system.
Also there was hardly any toilet paper and what there was was wet and dirty.

Still, might take the idea to Dragons’ Den. This could be like when Paul McCartney dreamed Yesterday.

6.30pm with Jay Rayner
8.30pm with Garth Merenghi’s Matthew Holness

And am in the process of booking the rest of the London RHLSTPs and it's worth taking a punt now as they are selling out as soon as guests are announced

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