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Sunday 27th March 2005

Christ is risen!
You just can't keep a good man down, that's what I say.
I was upset on Friday when I'd heard he'd been killed, but now there's a happy ending with him bouncing back from death. Proving that even though the wages of sin are death, you can earn over-time if you're especially good and don't mind being nailed to a tree for a bit. Which personally I wouldn't be too keen on. But Jesus did it for our sins. And so I think was are duty bound to make sure we do a few sins, just to make that sacrifice worthwhile. Otherwise he did it all for nothing. Personally I feel such a big gesture on his part should be rewarded by doing the biggest sin you can think of. Which is why I killed a child this afternoon. It's what Jesus would have wanted. Such is my understanding of his religion.
According to the Sunday Times, Geza Vermes (who is a religious scholar who I've always had a lot of time for) had managed to work out that Good Friday happened on the 7th April 30AD, so he rose again on the 9th. Maybe now we know this we can stop this silly "moving Easter Sunday around willy-nilly whilst pretending there is a good system for it" and just have the 7th-9th April off regardless of what days of the week they fall on. I hope the church have a big party on the 9th April 2030 (which many of us might be alive to see) to celebrate Jesus having been re-alive for 2000 years exactly. I'm not a betting man, as you'll know if you read this regularly, but I'm putting a tenner on Jesus returning on that exact date. I should get good odds and even though Christ's comeback should herald the dawn of a new planet earth where money becomes meaningless, I'd still like to leave the old monetary system as one of the richest men on earth. There would still be kudos in that, even if getting into Heaven would take on camel through needle proportions of difficulty. And when the wages of the child murder etc will be death, it'd be nice to have some currency to fall back on and maybe bribe some of the guards in Hell to let me go.
On a more positive note, I have managed to get through to Easter without eating any chocolate this year. Even when everyone else was scoffing their faces with the stuff after dinner this afternoon. I think Jesus himself would admire my abstinence. I'm looking forward to meeting him in 25 years time. I think we'll have a lot to share.

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