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Friday 26th March 2004

I emailed the the Original Loch Ness Monster Visitor Centre (which the website boasts is "near" to Loch Ness) to see it they could help me with my quest to murder the Loch Ness monster.
Here is what I wrote,
"I am undertaking a modern day 12 tasks of Hercules and one of my self-appointed tasks is to come to Loch Ness and slay the Loch Ness monster and free the local people from the yoke of its tyranny. It has terrorised you poor people for too long and I am sure that once despatched I will be seen as a local hero. With the fearsome monster gone, the beautiful area will become a draw for tourists, who would be too frightened to visit your beautiful loch at the moment.
Could you tell me, where would be the best spot to get a chance of slaying the creature (I intend to draw it onto land and then attack it with a sword) and do you have any idea what it prefers to eat as I will probably lay some kind of trap?
I am thinking either fish or local virgins (if applicable) would be the best lure for this evil monster.
Any help you can give me would be most welcome. If you know any virgins who would be happy to be tied to a tree to lure the beast then that would be very helpful. I can 99% guarantee that they won’t actually get hurt, but there is also 1% of danger.
I intend to visit Loch Ness some time in April and imagine that this task should take me a week at most.
Thanks for reading my email
I will happily give your visitor’s centre part of Nessie’s fin or something, but not its head, which I intend to use as a hat.
Yours sincerely
Richard Herring"

I suspect they get similar emails to this all the time. I hope they can help. But I hadn't had any reply by the close of visitor centre hours today, so I think I'll have to wait until Monday to find out what help they can offer.


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