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Wednesday 25th March 2020


It is the best of times, it is the blurst of times.
What a relief it is to be stuck in a house and knowing no one can visit. We’ve given up our lounge to become the kids playroom and classroom and it doesn’t matter if they chuck their toys everywhere and there are piles of rubbish in the corner ready to be turned into forts and periscopes and weapons, because NO ONE WILL EVER SEE.
I’m the kind of parent who sees the scuffs and graffiti and breakages of little aide memoires of these magical and horrific (even without a virus) years. I am precious about my kids, but not my things. But then they haven’t smashed anything too important yet.
And the playing (with them and with you lot via Twitch) is so much fun. Though exhausting and hard to keep up. We’ve just got 2 here - how do teachers manage with 30?
If I wasn’t worrying about the possibility of us all dying or at least getting ill and losing people close to me too and trying to work out how long this will go on, then it would be like a holiday. Woke up with a bit of a panic attack for the first time in well over a year, but might well be because I had had a couple of beers and a whisky. But at 2am my brain was not only trying to make me think of the worst things possible, but questioning whether daily stone clearing and snooker might send me over the edge. To be honest, in the cold light of day, both activities seem to be a welcome release from the horrible world, both for me and the two or three hundred people who are tuning in. But crazy night time brain seeks to destroy me. If he can send me spiralling into madness in the middle of the night then my sensible head won’t be there to steady the ship in the morning.
I managed to fight off the demons fairly easily tonight though and got back to sleep quite quickly. But I do know that as fun as the self-isolation is right now, it will become Hellish for many if it goes on as long as predicted.
I keep thinking of the 1990s me and how he would have coped in his flat alone. With no internet (but at least he’d have Civ II - which is how he spent most of his time in self-isolation anyway), no company, even less sex than he actually got (but only just). Will people who are dating over the next few months find this awful and frustrating? Or will it actually add to the frisson. Old fashioned dates where you have to actually communicate, get to know each other, wait to know each other intimately (though unlike old fashioned dates you can watch each other get your wangers and your bangers out).
Worse though if you’re with people you don’t like, or who don’t like you. 
The kids are a tonic, providing laughs, crazy breakfast dances and the cuddles that insure that if one of us goes down we all will.  This week has certainly shown me what is important in life. And what that is is going out at 8am to clear stones in front of 200 people round the world who think that that is something worth watching.
The snooker has been very exciting. Can’t believe the BBC website is still not reporting it. People who are shit at a sport competing against themselves is much better than watching someone good.

I managed to have a video meeting with my book editor and found about 15 spare minutes to start work on the new book. Hopefully things will settle down and I can get into a rhythm and get this done. I will fill you in with what it’s all about soon.

RHLSTP with the always amazing Charlie Brooker is up

And if you were struggling to give us your Amazon Prime FREE money for Twitch - this video will take you very slowly through all the stages required. 
There must be millions of people out there with Amazon Prime who have no idea they have this gift to give. If we can just get a million of them to give me 70% of $5 a month at no actually charge to themselves - imagine what podcasts we could make then. Chuck us free money at no cost to yourself if you enjoy my stupid stuff. All profits going to make more podcasts and to the comedians’ fund on just giving.

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