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Up stupidly early to drive a family member to the airport. I was so tired that I can’t really remember most of the journey, but it’s OK to drive basically asleep at this time of the day as there is no one else around. It’s quite a pleasure to be heading somewhere on the outskirts of London and know you’re not going to be held up. But I don’t know if it’s worth getting up at 5am every day in order to experience this.
Heathrow was already pretty busy by 6, when we arrived. I had thought it would be a safe time to visit this terrorist target, but I was wrong. Loads of people, plus the added advantage of no hold-ups on the road, plus everyone so half asleep that they won’t be able to get out of the way of whatever atrocity you have planned.
I can’t say that I carry on without worry that something might happen (however statistically unlikely it might be), but the point is that there’s no choice but to carry on with our lives. And I was glad to see I was scared of anyone carrying massive bags or gun shaped carriers, regardless of their race. As long as we fear everyone then the terrorists have not won.
Later I would take my daughter to the Westfield for one of her activities. There were policemen with machine guns on patrol. Not sure that makes me feel any safer. I bet statistically it’s more likely for an armed police officer to accidentally discharge their weapon than for them to thwart a terrorist attack. But to be fair, it’s more likely that I get knocked over on my walk to the shops (as I nearly was a couple of days ago). There is little logic to fear.
It’s great to spend some time with my little girl, even if she’s a handful and I was stupidly tired. We went to buy Catie some Mother’s Day presents. I thought it would be nice to let Phoebe choose the card. But she also ran into the card shop and picked up a little teddy (which said “I love you mumâ€). "Shall we give that to mummy?†I asked and Phoebe nodded (maybe with half an eye on playing with it herself). I then pointed to the cards and asked her to pick one and she ran and got one that said “Best Mum in the Worldâ€.
She then carried the purchases confidently to the till and gave them to the charmed assistant to ring through.
Having an autonomous little human being in your care is a lot of fun. These moments, however contrived, are rewarding.
And we met Catie for lunch and Phoebe couldn’t wait and grabbed the teddy straight off the bottom of the pram and gave it to her. So perhaps my cynicism is unfounded. She thought her mum would like it because she liked it. And she was right.
Typically I am working all day tomorrow so it was cool to have a little early family celebration of Motherhood today. But when is Father’s Day, that’s what I want to know?
It was only when ringing my folks I remembered that I’d forgotten to get a present for my actual mother.
Then I was off to Chipping Norton for a tour gig. The smallish theatre was not full (though significantly over 100 in - 135 I think). I wasn’t expecting too much from the gig and peeking from behind the curtain I have to say the audience didn’t look like they were my fans. Also this is the town where Jeremy Clarkson and David Cameron and Rebekah Wade have made their home. I wasn’t going to say anything about that, but I came on in a skittish mood and the first thing I said was, “Judging by your celebrities everyone who lives here is a cunt.†Which wasn’t perhaps the best way to endear myself to them, though it did get a laugh.
And my naughtiness continued and the audience seemed to go along with it. I enjoyed this as much as any gig I’ve done for a good while. I picked on a dour looking older man for the “pity fuck†joke and he didn’t laugh along (and indeed he and his wife left in the interval) and then when someone else preempted my Hermione hand joke I went a different route and did the much more offensive routine about how I use my hands for inappropriate fantasies. Given I had started the show thinking I should rein things in and maybe skip a couple of the edgier bits, Me2 too control and made things much worse. I got some walkouts a few minutes later, but I think actually because I made some crack about Clarkson, Cameron and Wade being in the inner circle of Hell. I had gone too far for one Chipping Norton couple and they huffed out. But I just pointed out how funny it was that they’d sat through the first half and the bit about 7 year old girls’ hands and chosen to be affronted now.
I suppose the test is if over 100 people are still in the theatre at the end. And there were definitely more than that remaining. And no one asked for 2 x £15 back (as far as I know). I certainly enjoyed it a lot. And I believe that is the point.
