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Thursday 24th March 2005

I was doing Hercules in Nottingham tonight and my hotel was directly opposite one of my top five museum experiences, “The Tales of Robin Hood” or “The Robin Hood Experience” or something like that. I don’t like it so much that I can actually remember its name. But it’s got stuff about Robin Hood in it and waxwork models and you have to leave behind your humdrum life in order to go in there. As you’ll see if you read this. Anyway it seemed like a good sign that fate should have brought me almost directly opposite a place that had so much of an influence over me. In fact I was directly opposite a shop selling school uniforms, so it was possible that fate actually was trying to tell me that I should return to secondary education despite the fact that I am 37, a bit like in that hilarious film starring Rodney Dangerfield. Or maybe fate wanted me to attend a School Disco event in which sad grown ups relieve their childhood by dressing in their old school clothes and then get off with each other. Fate can be tricky. I’m pretty sure fate wanted me to take note of the thing that was almost directly opposite, rather than being directly opposite, which would be a bit obvious for something as clever and cool as fate.
Interestingly almost directly opposite in the other direction was a shop selling bridal wear. So itÂ’s possible that what fate actually had in store for me was an imminent sex change and then marriage to a man. ThereÂ’s no point in trying to second guess fate: it could be any of these three things.
I took it as a good sign that I wasn’t staying inside “The Robin Hood Experience World” as then I would have had to leave behind my humdrum life, which would be bad news for tonight’s show which is entirely about my humdrum life. Not residing inside the tourist attraction itself was a clear sign from fate that it thought it was a good idea for me to talk about my humdrum life for two hours. Whilst possibly wearing a school uniform or a wedding dress.
I was slightly scared to be in Nottingham, which has recently acquired a reputation for being a crime hot spot, with assaults with weapons on the increase. So it was reassuring to be sleeping so close to a tourist attraction which reminded us of a simpler more peaceful Nottingham, where a gang of outlaws who lived in the forest used to spend most of their time stealing stuff and shooting people with arrows. Maybe in 1000 years time there will be a light-hearted tribute to todayÂ’s criminal gangs involving wax work figures and an amusing ride in the boot of a giant mechanised car which will take you to the woods where you will be shot and buried for being a grass. I hope so. It would be worth being cryogenically frozen to be able to see that.


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