There were of course no vegetarian sausages at breakfast. Simon Streeting arrogantly complained. But to no avail. I am hoping the stress engendered from the lack of vegetarian sausages in all hotels he visits will bring about Streeting's untimely death. It is the perfect murder. No-one could ever pin the crime on me. Unless they read this diary. But how likely is that?
I have nothing personal against Simon Streeting, I just think that we've only got so much time on this planet and we should all commit at least one murder. Just to know how it feels to have transgressed the ultimate taboo. My guess is it will make me feel really terrible, blight my whole life and probably lead me to kill myself out of guilt.
But the thing is you can't really be sure until you try it. And though common sense and the experience of others might dictate that the cold blooded murder of an innocent man is a bad thing, how can I be sure unless I give it a go?
And can we truly say that anyone is innocent? Simon Streeting's arrogance is well documented. He also has an annoying habit, when he's driving on the motorway of double flashing his lights to let other motorists know that he is allowing them to pass into the lane in front of him. He thinks he's being helpful. But my argument is that the double flash of lights, although used by several drivers, is not the universal language for "it's OK to pull in front of me". In fact to some drivers, the flash of the lights is used as a warning, to others as a way of expressing annoyance. Though most drivers might understand his gesture there is the possibility that one day someone will misunderstand and thus Simon Streeting will cause an accident that might kill tens of people.
Suddenly the elimination of Simon Streeting seems like a justifiable proposition. By murdering him, I am almost certainly saving the lives of up to twenty other people (possibly including children) and one of those people might have been on their way to a University somewhere to reveal that they had discovered a cure for all diseases. So in fact, Simon Streeting's continued existence is probably going to cause the unnecessary deaths of millions of people. It's like being in a car with the young Hitler, prior to the Munich Putsch. If you had known Hitler in 1923 and had had some inkling of what crimes he would commit, I think you would be morally right to shoot him, or at least shave off his moustache to make him look less charismatic (the same is true of Hale and Pace when they were teachers. Shave off Moustache's moustache and the world could have been saved from much suffering over the next two decades).
The real reason I think that Simon Streeting's flashing the car in front of him means his death is deserved is because it shows the implicit arrogance of Simon Streeting. An arrogance that has led to him being known universally as "the arrogant tour manager." He's not flashing the car in front in order to be pleasant and helpful, like you might be thinking. He is doing it in order to feel that he is in control of the situation. Any good driver knows enough to judge when they are able to pull into a faster lane. I don't need anyone to tell me that it's OK. I am able to work out how fast they are travelling and then decide if I should move to the right, or wait til the car has passed. If anyone flashed me to "let me in" I would see this as arrogant and patronising on their part. "Ooooh can't you quite tell if it's OK to overtake now. Let me help you with a little signal, that isn't universally accepted and could lead to an accident if you misinterpret it."
Simon Streeting (again very like Hitler) is trying to make up for the lack of control and power he actually has in his life, by assuming false control over this situation. Nobody needs his help. No-one is taken in by his false courtesy. Every single person he flashes immediately sees him as a vain man who is treating them like a child.
If he carries on one of the drivers is certain to follow him home and shoot him in his Simon Streeting face.
I'd better step up my lack of vegetarian sausage murder campaign or someone will beat me to it and I will need to find a new victim.
This entry is written to demonstrate just how bored a six hour drive from Carlisle to London can make you be.
