So I got to have breakfast by the sea one more time. The hotel dining room was high on a cliff overlooking a beach with yellow sand and crashing waves. It was miles better than the view in Tobago. Another bird came to visit me at my table. He didn't sing, just looked at me askance as if to say "You shouldn't be here, you should be in London. You got an extra free day of holiday you jammy bugger." Then he flew off again. Like all other birds he sensed that I was too important a man to steal breakfast from. He was not worthy to eat the cumbs from under my table. I am not saying I am the god of the birds. That is for other people to say.
As I sat by the pool soaking up this unexpected day of sun (even the rain stopped for me) I found it hard to believe that I had been angry at the delay last night. I had an extra day of holiday at the expense of Richard Branston (the pickle and airline magnate) and I intended to make the most of it. I could be dead with my bones all broken and my skin all burned and instead I was still on holiday and I wasn't even paying for it. It was so perfect I wondered if I had actually died and maybe this was Heaven, though to be honest it felt more like some kind of Heavenly waiting room. Like we'd been given an extra day on earth and that once we returned to the plane we would be killed as fate had intended, but for now we had been taken away to enjoy one last day of life in the most perfect of environments.
I made the most of the airline's offer to provide our food by having a three course lunch, including lobster (the most expensive by miles) which I had been meaning to have all week, but could now have in my bonus last chance saloon. Richard Branston would be furious when he saw the bill, but he had deprived me of my fee from my Brentford gig (and deprived the people of Brentford of my gift of laughter) and so I didn't care.
The last time I had been I Barbados I had been frollicking in a rough sea and been spun around by a wave, hit my head which (for some reason) caused one of my testicles to quadruple in size. I spent the rest of the holiday in pain and the shifting air pressure during the flight home caused me all kinds of agony. So I had an issue with the Barbados sea and a lesser man might have shied away from re-entering my foe - especially as the waves were breaking hard and fast against the shore, but I felt like I should be making the most of this extra final day and I was going to make the most of it. I was buffeted but my testicles remained their usual (impressive) size (yes girls I have large testicles. I know that's what you mainly look for in a man. Imagine how attractive I was with my amazing four times the size testicle. Unfortunately the other testicle was normal size so to be attractive to women who like big testicles I would have had to stand in a position where only the quadesticle was visible, but luckily this was the case from most angles).
Perhaps it makes me pathetic that I enjoyed this day all the more because it was free and unexpected. Perhaps it makes me human, but it ended up being one of he best days of my trip. It made me think of the vagueries of fate and how your life can twist and change. All the time I was aware that in the normal course of events I shouldn't have ever been in this sea, eating this lobster, drinking this beer, but here I was. I was meeting and interacting with people who but for a quirk of luck I would never have encountered. What if I met the woman I was going to marry here, or ended up making love to someone I would otherwise not have met and fathering a child who would otherwise not have existed. I mean these things didn't happen -not for want of me trying. I must have asked every woman by the pool to marry or procreate with me, but none of them were interested, the idiots. I remember reading about all the other planes that had been in the air on 11/9 having to divert and land in an airport in Newfoundland or something and how the passengers were welcomed in to locals homes and bars on this horrible and extraordinary day. Amongst all these unexpected interactions there must have been some people who made friends or lovers or babies that would otherwise not have existed. That must be weird to know that your marriage or life might be owed to such a dark event. But such is life. You might think it proves that there is such a thing as fate, I think overall it proves that life is random and that stuff happens not due to any moral imperatives, but just because.
Every event affects our future and though nothing amazing directly happened to me today, apart from getting some free stuff from the pickle-faced billionaire, my life is different thanks to whatever unknown factor caused that smoke (and the engineers don't know - luckily we came back in a different plane). I believe that everything happens for no reason. ItÂ’s just a load of stuff.
