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Thursday 23rd May 2019


I once passed Natalie Portman on the staircase at BAFTA. I thought from the look that she gave me that she thought we were dating for that short but significant time we were together. She might claim not to remember it, or say all she recalls is a weird older man gawping at her, which would be hurtful to me, as the moment meant a lot (once I’d realised who she was and actually she’d pretty much turned the corner by then), so much so, in fact, that it clearly felt too personal for me to mention it in Warming Up. This would have been in 2004 or 2005 as she was shaven-headed for her role in V for Vendetta.
It was just a moment passing on the stairs so I didn’t have time to get a photo of us together, with me with no top on in which she looked clearly uncomfortable and I gurned like a prick. But I hope that nonetheless you are know what really happened here.

At breakfast, my daughter suggested we should have a bum in our nose so when we needed to poo we could put our head in the toilet. I couldn’t be more proud. She is a scatological prodigy. I can see no downside to this idea.
Ironically for me I ended the day with my head in the toilet anyway as I was hit by an unexpected bout of sickness. There were explosions from both ends, but at least this time I didn’t have to vomit on my diarrhoea, but the vomit came first each time, which is a much more civilised way to do things and feels like you are getting some kind of revenge on the vomit. But on the plus side I had probably over eaten a little bit today, so it was good for my diet that it was all coming back out again. And the next morning I discovered I had - at least temporarily lost a kilo overnight, so this might be just the kickstart I needed after plateauing/not really trying that hard for a little while. Even as I was being sick I was thinking about the diet benefits, which really took the sting off the unpleasantness and the lack of sleep on a night that my wife had promised to get up if Ernie woke up.
Not sure what caused it. The dog was also sick today which might have been a coincidence, but the only thing that we both ate was the steak I had for breakfast (I gave Wolfie the fat, because she and I are like Jack Spratt and his wife), though that was still within its best before date. I’d had some week old asparagus for breakfast too and an out of date yoghurt tonight, but I had already been feeling a little queasy before that, You might say that it was foolish to eat the yoghurt if I was already feeling ill, but I didn’t want the delicious yoghurt to go to waste. And on the plus side it gave my vomit a slight strawberry flavour which made this experience less upsetting. My vomit did not smell of asparagus though and nor did my diarrhoea, so that proves that the asparagus only gives out the smell when it has passed through your genitals. The pervy vegetable.

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