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Thursday 22nd April 2004

I am going to try not to write about my Nessie based adventures on here because I want you all to have something left to enjoy when you come to the show (and you WILL be coming won't you?!).
I walked back from Urqhuart Castle to my hotel this evening. The sun was shining and the roads were quiet and I felt happier than I have done for a long time. I really appreciated the fact that at the moment killing a mythical non-existant monster is my job. Not a job I'm getting paid for (at the moment leastways), but nonetheless my job. I realised how lucky I am. It's been a long time since I've really appreciated that.
On the road through Drumnadrochit, I passed a house with the most appalling statue I have encountered since the Hammersmith pesticle travesty. There were some similarities in fact.
In the front garden of one of the little houses, some maniac had chosen to put a three foot high version of Michaelangelo's David. Immediately it had lost some of its grandeur by being shrunk by three or four times from its original size. I have seen the original (well it might be a copy) in Florence and what strikes you is its gargantuan size. That's what is impressive about it. It has been carved from a massive slab of marble. It puts you in awe. I was disappointed they had shrunk it down and although the full sized statue would have more than filed their front garden and blocked all light to their kitchen, I think they had made a big mistake not leaving it in its original dimensions. But even more hereical was the fact that it wasn't made from marble or any kind of stone, it had been cast in some plasticy material and was a very unpleasant shade of turquoise.
Now if you want a tiny version of a wonderful statue in your front garden (and why would you want that?) then I would suggest that you don't further ruin things by having it made in an extremely unpleasant colour. Are you thinking, "Well Michaelangelo did really well there, it's a very pretty statue, but he made one very big mistake. He didn't make it quite green enough"?
I was quite sickened by its tackiness.
But then I spotted something even worse, something that completely pissed on the grave of one of the greatest artists this world has ever known. Just where David's green (and stragnely uncircumcised) cock should have been, there was a turquoise fig leaf.
So these people were not only philistines, they were prudes as well. How could they have done this? Why did they want to display it to the world. And why, when they live in one of the most beautiful parts of the British Isles do they want to desecrate the view with this abhorration?
I have taken a photo of the monstrosity which I will add to the downloads section when I get home.
I haven't yet killed the monster yet (but slowly, slowly catchee Nessie) and it in fact struck me today that I have never killed anything bigger than a worm before. I wondered if I would be able to move up to something as big as a non-existant monster all in one go, or whether I should go out tonight and attack a cow or a horse, just to get my eye in and to overcome the moral repugnance at needlessly taking the life of an innocent creature.
I decided that I shouldn't. I am sure I will have the courage when I finally lure the Beastie out tomorrow.

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Buy the Emergency Questions book here And help fund the filming of series 11 and 12 of RHLSTP.
My new stand up show, Oh Frig I'm 50 is at the Edinburgh Fringe this August and I am also doing three RHEFPs while I am there All details of shows and previews.
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