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Saturday 21st December 2013
Saturday 21st December 2013

Saturday 21st December 2013


I see Liverpool football club are going to pay Suarez £200,000 a week to play for them. The fucking idiots. I'd have done it for £2000. For every year that he plays for them they could have had me for 100 years. That's just economic sense right there. These football clubs have more money that sense. What gets me is that they didn't even ask. They could have got me down to £1000 a week if I am honest. Admittedly Suarez scored two goals today and assisted with a third and I think in all likelihood I wouldn't have scored more than one, but at what cost, Liverpool? At what cost? You haven't thought this through. I reckon quite a few people would pay to play for Liverpool. But I am not shifting from £52,000 a year. All right £50,000 if it's cash. There's no way the taxman could find out what I was up to.

Winding down for Christmas, though had to knock off the first Metro column of 2014, which is about hos futuristic the year 2014 suddenly seems. Much more than 2013 for some reason. I feel a bit let down that we haven't lived up to my dreams of what the future would be like. No silver clothes or meals in pill form or any kind of commercially available hover technology. According to Back To The Future II we should have no need for roads by 2015. It's going to be a busy 12 months for the inventors of the hovercar and hover board. Otherwise we're going to be really letting down the people of the 20th Century who had such high hopes for our advancement. There aren't any cyborgs bent on destroying humanity either, or transporters that can turn us into flies (I was really looking forward to that - I've always wanted to enjoy eating shit) or chimps acquiring the power of speech and starting to bury the Statue of Liberty in some sand. The only thing we've really got is the Star Trek style personal communicators and scanning devices. Though if I am honest I don't remember those running out of batteries every three hours on the TV show. I may be wrong, but Captain Kirk always seemed to have power on his communicator, even if the Starship Enterprise was occasionally out of range. It's a real poor show. Luckily none of them have time machines to check out how badly we're doing. Though I myself have travelled forward in time from the 1960s - admittedly at the slow pace of one day a day - and I am disappointed with our future selves. We should have done a lot better. We don't even have a Moonbase Alpha and we were supposed to have one of those by 1999.

Anyway, I got a column based around these and other ideas and so that's pretty much me done for 2013. I might have a little think about new ideas for Edinburgh in the perineum between Boxing Day and New Year, but apart from that it's time to have some fun. I even went to a party tonight and got drunk. It was lovely.

A few new T-shirts for fans of AIOTM and We're All Going To Die! have been added to the roster at Probably a bit too late to buy for Christmas, but a great way to spend your Christmas money from your gran!

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