Warming Up

It’s slipping now, but the book got to number 5 in the kindle charts and no one can ever take that away from me. Still 99p for a limited time.

I showed my daughter the King of the World bit from Twitch of Fun (about 15 minutes in) and she loved it. It might be the greatest thing I’ve ever done. It might be the greatest comedy character anyone has done. Show it to your kids. Maybe don’t show them Cocky Carrot.

Anyway this might be my first step to becoming the new Mr Tumble.

Some great new old stuff coming out of Pompeii at the moment. The BBC reported on the discovery of the remains of two men on the outskirts of the city. Fascinating insight into the disaster, but I bet the guy on the right never dreamed that his cock would end up on the front page of the BBC News website. In fact I bet the only thing he thought as his body evaporated was, “Well, this is bad, but at least my total destruction in this volcano will stop any future archaeologists seeing my old fella. And it will be so obliterated that if in the future any technology allows images to be seen all over the world, then one of those won’t be my tiny terrified todger.” 

Well he was a fucking idiot to think that. Because there it is.

Just at the last minute he might have thought, “Oh shit, what if my evaporated body leaves a cavity in the ash and the perverted archaeologists  fill it with some kind of liquid chalk to make a statue of me and then my penis” (which is what he would actually have called it) “is then preserved for all to see. Not all big and excited. I wouldn’t mind that, but just like a little nub because all of my genitals have tried to escape the disaster by hiding inside my body."

So remember, if you are ever caught up in a volcano, cover up your genitals with your hand so no pervy archaeologists can take photos of them and disseminate them around the world. But make it clear that you are just covering your genitals, not touching them, or then there will be photos that people will say prove you were having a wank in your final moments of agonising pain. You can’t win with archaeologists. They will find a way through.

No one else has mentioned the cock as far as I can see. It’s hiding in plain sight. But I know they’ve all seen it. 

They could have put a little plaster cast of a fig leaf over it. There must be tonnes of those in Pompeii.