I played tennis against my 15 year old nephew this morning. I don't play tennis very often, but am keen to get back into it. He has been playing a bit, but you know, he's only 15. I was looking forward to wiping the floor with him, plus relieving him of the five pounds that we had bet on the contest. I was planning to cement my victory by also demonstrating my financial superiority over the young pup (he hasn't even got a job. I have), by burning the fiver in front of his astonished Somerset face.
However, possibly predicatably, things did not go exactly to plan.
The first set was close. In fact I really should have won it. I had a good opportunity to go 4-2 up, but blew it. In the end I lost 7-5.
Never mind, I could pick it up. I hadn't been playing all that well, but neither had he. I was going to come back.
In the second set though my nephew (who can't even drive) took control in an annoying lackadaisical way. He started banging big first serves in and when I responded with great first serves he'd nonchalently bat them back with a bored expression on his face. I felt I could take advantage of his over confidence and I did manage to do so on one of his service games.
However, he took the second set and my hard-earned five pounds (my mum didn't give it to me. I earned it in a proper job -writing about cocks.
The score was 6-1. I was humiliated.
How could he have beaten me, his elder and superior in every way? I had known him since he was a new-born baby. Could I have guessed when I looked at him mewling and puking in his cot that in just 15 years time he would be able to destroy me at a game that I rarely play?
I had really known him since he was a sperm and an egg (not that I'd seen him then, but I'd probably seen his mum and dad when Andrew was in two tiny constituent parts inside them). Could I have envisagened that a sperm and an egg (even if they were playing doubles) would be able to defeat me, a fully grown human being?
I saw that my time was passed, and just like a lion beaten in combat by a fitter and younger competitor, I knew my days of being king of the jungle were over.
As I lost the final point I considered jumping over the net and beating the shit out of my beloved nephew. But then I looked at him again and thought that he could probably have me in a fight as well.
So instead I drove him home and gave him the money I owed him and hoped he wouldn't punch me.
