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Saturday 20th April 2019

5981/19001

Sometimes it feels like the world is telling you not to do something. We were aiming to make the most of the Easter sunshine and head to Whipsnade Zoo and for once we’d done our prep pretty efficiently and were leaving early enough to get to our destination just after opening time and avoid the rush.
I got the car out of the garage and set off, but had misremembered the direction and was heading the wrong way up the road. It would have been easy to turn around but the sat nav corrected itself and advised a right turn. Often enough it’s six of one and half a dozen of another when it comes to which way to go from our house, so I assumed this other route would be more or less that same distance. We went up the hill for a mile and then were advised to take a right turn that we’d never taken and were led down narrow country roads. It felt like we were going back on ourselves, but surely the sat nav would just have told us to turn round if it was trying to get us back where we started. But about ten minutes later we were driving back past our house.
Perhaps the detour was a lucky one though, because we were only three minutes up the correct road when my father-in-law rang. He had come to pick up the dog so he could walk it and we wouldn’t have to worry about dashing home, but he’d assumed we’d still be in and hadn’t brought his key. So we had to turn back to let him in. We could have been 15 minutes into our 35 minute journey which would have been much more annoying.
So finally we set off properly and drove through the sunny countryside. There were signs saying the road we were on would be closed, but for five days from 11th April so we should be OK. “If we have to turn back again I’m going home” I told my wife. I’ve seen enough Final Destination films to know that you do not try to counteract the wishes of evil fate.
But the road wasn’t blocked and we went on our way. It was all going to be fine.
Then Phoebe made a bit of weird noise and then another one and Catie turned round to see that Phoebe had thrown up rather copiously all over herself and her car seat. It’s been a long while since she’s been car sick, but we had to pull over and do our best to clear up the horrible puke and change Phoebe into a new set of clothes (I’d literally thought that morning that we always took out spare clothes and never used them so maybe it was time to stop bothering). It was another ten to fifteen minute delay and everything now smelled of that horrible cheese sick that kids make in their stomachs. Phoebe was fine though - this was just the result of too long in the car, weaving through narrow country lanes. We hadn’t even let her have any chocolate yet today, so it wasn’t down to Easter overindulgence. 
We pushed onwards, though the satnav was warning of a ten minute delay close to the zoo and even though it had steered us wrong once already I chose to believe the satnav that cried wolf and took a three mile diversion to avoid the jam. And after a journey that should have taken about half an hour, but had taken over an hour we finally rocked up at the zoo.,
If fate was telling us to keep away though it was only because it apparently didn’t want us to have a good day. Because after the sick, aside from a couple of childish strops (but from which of us?) we had another cracking day.
Highlights included seeing some baby animals that had apparently escaped from their enclosure walking round the perimeter road. To be fair they were just small so may have been adults. But they looked like the chimera result of some awful experiment in the secret labs at Whipsnade Zoo as they had the heads of rabbits and the body of deer. I was too shocked to take a photo to prove this encounter and also worried that I should be informing a keeper about the breach of an enclosure (if these things could get out then so could the tigers). Maybe I dreamt it.
Phoebe also had a cracking time driving a tiny landrover jeep thing round a circuit. I helped steer a little bit, but to be fair she was pretty awesome at it.
At the end Phoebe was annoyed that we wouldn’t let he buy stickers in the shop - it was just so crowded and we were keen to get home after a day of walking round this huge zoo (which is much more enjoyable in the sunshine than the freezing wind like last time we were here). She lost her temper as we exited and shouted at me with vitriol, “Daddy, you MADAM.” Which was funny because it revealed that she is used to getting that insult directed at her, by someone. Not by us I should add, as we’re keen not to impose stereotypes on her and a girl being forthright should not be criticised, as people don’t generally have that insult for boys. But the fact it was her go to to use inappropriately against me - I am a man and I was being pretty kind anyway- did reveal that someone has been accusing her of madamness.
Anyway I am glad that we persisted through the slightly Hellish drive in (and impressed that we all kept our cool) because this was another lovely family day and aside from the fifty quid we spent on food, lollies and driving a car round a circuit it was FREE because we are members of the zoo! WINNERS!
I mean we did pay loads to become members and need to go about four more times to make that worthwhile but we will do it. 
But if you don’t want to become a member then you can probably still get the member discount on everything because all the people working there seem to take it on trust that you are one. So if they ask, “Are you a member?” Then just say yes. They never check.
And remember they just use your money to create new animals by forcing different species to fuck each other. Probably. That’s the only way I can explain it.


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