Comedy is a delicate business and jokes are fragile things and it can sometimes be interesting how minor changes can ruin things. I've been doing an extract from Talking Cock at the Robin Ince Christmas Humanist gigs at the Bloomsbury all week. They've been terrific fun and I've drunk and chatted with some cool nerds (if such a thing is possible) and had a Christmas Card off of Alan Moore and his partner and eaten a lot of Prawn Cocktail crisps (it's such a rare flavour to encounter these days that I don't seem to be able to resist taking a bag with me for the tube ride home).
But I've been tinkering with a joke that has served me well for over a decade now. It goes (spoiler alert) Is size important? And if not why are there no two-inch pencil-thin vibrators?" Rarely for me it's a fifteen word joke with a pretty much guaranteed hearty laugh. But it's a joke that slightly bugs me and occasionally members of my audience because it's not entirely factually accurate. There are, of course, some smaller female masturbatory devices, designed for clitoral stimulation. But the joke works in spite of this because it is clearly referring to vibrators based on the penis, many of which are of almost unnatural dimensions and which rarely if ever are based on more modest male genitalia.
Even though the joke works and even though it doesn't need any clarification I can sometimes sense the people in the audience who are thinking, "But there are such things" and it slightly annoys me that the joke isn't water-tight. And every now and again someone gets in touch to point out the factual inaccuracy. It happened this week on Twitter. I had a chat with a stranger about vibrators, explained that I was aware that what I was saying was not one hundred per cent truthful and as it niggles with me a bit too I told her that I suppose I was really referring to dildos but that whenever I've used that word the joke hasn't worked. I don't really know why. It could be a rhythm thing, it could be that vibrator is just a funnier word (but dildo seems funny). But I said that I would give the joke another go and change the word.
I did it a couple of times this week and both times the joke died. The first time, I think, the change slightly threw me and I stumbled over the delivery so that wasn't a fair test, but last night I got the words out to minimal response. Tonight I went back to vibrator and the joke got a medium-sized to big laugh. It's funnier with vibrator even though it is inaccurate. I don't know why, but it is.
Perhaps the reason is just down to some subtlety of performance. Perhaps if I was used to saying the word dildo my delivery would be better and more certain, maybe there's still some hesitancy or lost rhythm in there because I subconsciously expect another syllable. Or maybe it's just a line where vibrator is funnier than dildo. Maybe vibrator suggests female masturbation more and maybe the fact that most vibrators are massive is enough to carry the gag over the line. I don't know. Only God knows the answer and I can't wait to die so I can ask Him.
Comedy is truth. Sometimes. But sometimes it's just vaguely accurate and sometimes it's downright lies and sometimes something is just funny because it has the shape of something that is funny, so we laugh anyway.
To be fair I probably haven't done enough performances to make a decision. The joke had died in the past with the word "vibrator" in it and maybe I've just been unlucky that I got two dildo failures in a row. Tonight's seemingly quite theatry crowd surprisingly enjoyed my filth a huge amount. Maybe they'd have lapped up dildo. They might have preferred it. But I won't be saying dildo again so we'll never know.
These are the technicalities of my strange job and such discussions go on inside my head (usually unspoken) about almost every line I deliver. What would make it better? What would ruin it? And why? Sometimes you just have to go with your instincts. My instincts say vibrator.
