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Thursday 2nd May 2013

Tonight's gig in Luton had the smallest audience of the tour so far, with only about 60 of the coin-throwing, hooligan, racist scum coming out to see me. I can't imagine what I've done to upset them.
York City's rivalry with Luton Town FC does slightly colour my view of this place, though I am only indulging in banter, Martin. It's just harmless banter. The audience I get there are not interested in the machinations of lower league football, but I can never resist making a few cracks to their general confusion.
But I've noticed a few Luton fans on Twitter taking me at face value and had minor fears that one of them might turn up tonight and punch me in the face. It would be a shame to be beaten up over some jokes about an insignificant rivalry between two minnow football teams. But luckily this time my face remained unpunched.
Due to the poor sales I had always planned to do this gig without Giles (who would have taken most of my fee for tonight had he come along), but just two days of solo touring to towns that aren't that far from London has done me in. I felt very weary on the drive there and then couldn't work out where the venue was and drove around Luton for a good twenty minutes trying to work out where I was heading. My navigational skills are poor (even with a sat nav) and not having to worry about this kind of thing has been a luxury on this tour.
I found it eventually though even if at a couple of points I was considering going home.
The venue was having a difficult day, the tech and the box office person had both got in touch to say they weren't coming in due to the death of (different) relatives. Luton is a dangerous place to live. Two deaths of family members of people who work in a tiny theatre is a quiet day. Luckily they found some unbereaved people to fill in and I was looked after well.
I joked that I was glad I hadn't come to Luton on election day when I was doing Hitler Moustache. People here might have mistaken my leaflets for election advertisements and I'd have ended up getting on the town council. Despite my attempts to deride them the crowd still enjoyed the show. I didn't feel 100% sharp - I am still ill and have sprained my shoulder. I asked the tech what was the best local rival town to pick on, but couldn't remember what she'd said so had to go for something else. But I was furiously trying to call the town to mind as I approached the relevant bit. I had known it was two words put together, but convinced myself that the latter part was "grave". It's only just this second that I've remembered that the town was Dunstable. I picked Welwyn which was not anywhere near as funny. I might have to go back tomorrow and do the whole gig again with the same audience so I can get it right this time.
Still it was an OK gig. On days like today it feels like a shame that I am not better known. There must have been another few dozen people in this town who would have liked the show and filled out the small room. But on the whole things are moving in the right direction and it seems like a lot of comedians are struggling this year and if this is the smallest gig I play then that won't be so bad.
I was home by 11 and had some champagne with my wife to celebrate her finishing her second book. She thought I was celebrating her hard work, but I was celebrating that as long as she has the Harry Potter style success that I am envisaging that I am one step closer to retirement and spending all my day playing "New Star Soccer" and watching pornography (as opposed to the 23 hours a day that these activities currently take up).

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