I wear the same T-shirt every night in the show. It is suitably much too tight, which works for the show and it says "How Much Is Too Much" on it, which I have a joke about. Of course when you are performing every night this leads to logistical problems. It's hot in the venue and it can get sweaty and though I can get away with wearing the same shirt two or three nights in a row, after that it becomes a humming, salt-lined monstrosity that requires washing. But I only have a limited amount of time to get that done. After a show I will usually go out for some drinks, so have to wait til the morning to put it in the washing machine, as the spinning would keep grouchy light-sleeper Sarah Kendall awake. But then that only gives me from the time I wake up to the time I go to my gig to wash, dry and iron the shirt. I took it home the day before yesterday and totally forgot about it, and it was left screwed up and stinking in my bag, so I had to wash it lightly by hand, basically just wiping off any obvious marks, minutes before the show. Any more thorough wash would have meant me going on stage in a wet T-shirt and it's not that kind of show.
I remembered this morning that I had once again brought the fetid garment home, but when I got to the washing machine at about 1pm (my normal waking hour) I found Justin Edwards and Lucy Porter had a load of their differently sized clothes spinning around in there. I cursed the giant and the elf, as I don't call them and was forced to wait.
An hour passed and the machine was still spinning around. I wanted to go for a swim, but what if I did and Sarah Kendall took the opportunity to jump the queue and my dirty T shirt stayed dirty. I could wash it by hand, but would I be able to get it anywhere near dry. The machine has a spin dryer on it, though like most things in this expensive flat, it doesn't really work. I needed to get the other clothes out, my clothes in and then out again before I had to leave for a radio interview at 3.30. That seemed plausible. But another half an hour later and the wash was still in the same place on the dial. I realised the machine had got stuck. How much time had I wasted? I clicked it on a bit and it went into its next cycle, but it was well after 3 before it finally came to a close.
I put in my washing on the quick wash cycle, but it was still not quick enough to be ready before I had to shoot off. Lucy said she'd get my T-shirt out for me, but I feared that it was unlikely to get dry.
It's not necessarily the end of the world. A couple of times I have left the washed T-shirt at home and been forced to wear my hotdog shirt throughout the show. This is OK, though it's a big baggy and I worry about people spotting what it says too early.
I did some grocery shopping on my way back to the flat - I had still planned to go swimming, but was feeling too tired after all the walking I had done, so bailed out on that. In the supermarket I had bought five yoghurts, though surreptitiously as I thought if there's one place in the world that someone might see me with more than two yoghurts in my basket and say
"Someone Likes Yoghurt" then it would be Edinburgh, where I am a micro-mini-celebrity. Luckily no-one spotted me, but unluckily one of my yoghurts burst open in my basket and so when I got to the check out, there was yoghurt everywhere. I hoped no-one would see me and my yoghurt shame and comment upon it. They didn't. I was disappointed. How I crave recognition of a two year old show.
I got home and the washing was out of the machine, but Justin had decided to chance putting the shirt on spin dryer mode. To be honest this made as much sense as hanging it up, it was unlikely to get dry either way. Indeed by the time the cycle had ended (and there had been a few worrying minutes where the machine door wouldn't open) the shirt was still pretty damp. I tried to iron it dry, but this was never going to do the job. But it was dry enough to wear.
I was running a bit late (as always) due to the ironing, but managed to find a cab. The driver asked me if I was going to a show. I couldn't be bothered to have the conversation, so pretended that I was. "Who are you going to see?" he asked.
"I can't remember his name, some comedian". I could have added that he was obsessed with yoghurt and T-shirts, but decided to let it go, in case the driver was testing me.
I put the shirt on in the dressing room. It clung dankly to my body, but whatever, an hour of sweating into it would probably dry it out, right?
The show went really well. After the stuffier, less easy to please Friday and Saturday audiences, it was back to a sharper crowd who understood where I was coming from and who found my stories amusing. I was also a little sharper and a lot of the stuff came out differently, but good differently. I doubt I will remember the changes tomorrow.
I put the T-shirt over a box of programmes to dry further overnight, but now it is infused with my sweat so should be a fetid delight tomorrow. But I can't go through this rigmarole every day. I am tempted to see if I can make the T shirt last unwashed until the end of the run. Will make it a different kind of experience for the first few rows.
I went home for an early night, but ended up eating unnecessary curry with my lovely flat-mates and watching stuff on YouTube - there's a great video of some buffalo rescuing a baby buffalo from some lions and crocodiles. It's the kind of thing I would have loved to see on safari last year. It has been seen by 14 million people. Let's see if we can boost that by another hundred -
here it is. It's amazing.
Lyric Comedy Nights - Exciting new comedy club
In the autumn I am compering a season of comedy gigs at the Lyric, Hammersmith. I have also selected the bills for each night and have managed to procure some amazing line-ups. Please support this new venture as if it is successful we will get to do more in the Spring. Plus it should be brilliant!
LYRIC COMEDY NIGHTS
Richard Herring (Fist of Fun, You Can Choose Your Friends) hosts a brand new season of Sunday night comedy at the Lyric Hammersmith with his choice of some of the finest comedians working in the UK.
Lucy Porter, Will Smith and guests / 30 Sep
Charmingly twisted Lucy Porter and posh Bergerac obsessive, Will Smith are joined by drunken (and terrifying) childrenÂ’s entertainer Jeremy Lion and veteran comedy genius Simon Munnery.
Harry Hill and Phill Jupitus / 7 Oct
Multi-award winning Harry Hill (ITV1Â’s TV Burp) is joined by Phill Jupitus (Never Mind the Buzzcocks, 6 Music Breakfast Show), who makes a rare appearance on the comedy circuit. Also introducing Matthew Crosby.
Chris Addison / 21 Oct
Best known as Olly in The Thick of It, witty and intelligent comic Chris Addison headlines a bill including Stephen Carlin and Matthew Holness, better known as Garth Merenghi. Joining them will be a special mystery comedian, whose name we canÂ’t yet reveal - but heÂ’s the co-creator of one of the biggest British TV shows of the last decade.
Lee Mack / 28 Oct
The Sketch Show star and They Think It’s All Over host, Lee Mack is joined by Milton Jones, ‘King of the surreal one-liners’ (The Times).
Tickets £10 / £15
08700 500 511 / http://www.lyric.co.uk (no booking fees)
Book all 4 shows at the same time and get the best seats for £40 (a saving of £20)
Lyric Hammersmith, Lyric Square, King Street, London W6 0QL
Tube: District, Piccadilly and Hammersmith & City lines
It's already selling well - please book in advance to ensure you see these top notch comedy bills
