Warming Up

We’ve done a couple of tiny supermarket shops, getting just the stuff we need (and is available) this week. Obviously we’re aware that people are going crazy and it’s hard not to join in with that, but we are trying to take the high road but also need to do our regular weekly shop. 

So after lunch we went into town to pick up some fresh food for making more chillis and such, and hoped to get some staples like eggs, flour, tomatoes, chicken and potatoes - turned out there was not chance of that. We didn’t need any toilet roll (we get ours from Who Gives A Crap and you get 48 rolls every few months and we have loads left - oh no, might as well say I have loose diamonds lying around the house - don’t burgle us or Wolfie will kill you) or pasta, which was lucky as the shelves were also bare.

I’d have quite liked some Lemsip in case I get the Corona Virus, but all the medicine was gone - luckily we had stocked up a little bit on Calpol and paracetamol ahead of Brexit, but only something like Lemsip Max can cope with a virus (imagine if it turns out to be the cure- that’d put the panic in perspective).

We managed to fill one of the small trollies with stuff that hadn’t run out, but that’s by no means a big shop (or why do they have the big trollies?). The only thing we got extra of was wine (6 bottles -which isn’t that unusual anyway as they encourage that with a discount offer), but there was plenty of wine on the shelves (in our supermarket at least). 

We got to the laundry aisle, which was still reasonable stocked and had a brief discussion about whether we needed any fabric softener. There was loads of it, because that’s probably not the first thing that people are worried about in a lockdown (though still don’t understand the toilet paper thing) and we were just chatting about getting some. Another woman passing piped up, “Don’t hoard stuff!” I assumed she was joking, a) because we were discussing buying one bottle of fabric softener and b) because we were in a supermarket where all the stuff you might want to hoard had been stripped from the shelves. But she carried on, saying “seriously, people hoarding stuff is causing all the problems. Don’t hoard.” 

She was obviously just venting her frustration at being in the same position as the rest of us and not being able to get certain things and just using us as a scape goat to put voice to her panic. But it was weird to be bearing the mild brunt of this passing opprobrium. 

She did make up our mind to get some fabric softener though. A whole small bottle of the stuff. That’d show her for judging us.

But everyone seems to be on the look out for transgressors. Even though we had much less stuff than we’d usually have on our weekly shop, even the check out woman seemed passive aggressively judgemental. She made a couple of mild remarks and then said, “Oh, but I’ve seen you before, you’re the ones with all the children aren’t you?” I admitted that we did have kids, but I am not sure that two is that many (maybe in times of crisis people judge those who have had more than one). “Have you just got back from being away?” she asked.  We hadn’t even filled the conveyor belt and aside from the wine had no multiple items (I’d even only got one pack of Soleros which is nowhere near enough to get me through the week - that’s 3 days worth of Soleros. I might never eat another Solero again).

“No,” I said.

“This is just your big weekly shop then?”

We were being grocery-shamed for our pretty sparse collection of two sweet potatoes and unpopular vegetables, when surely all the cunts who’d got the pasta and Lemsip and potatoes were the ones that had left us in this situation. We’re not even past the first week of this and this kind of madness is already descending. I admit we did get the last two sweet potatoes. Perhaps that makes us monsters.

I don’t even like sweet potatoes.

Nobody does. 

Even though they call them sweet potatoes to make them sound good.

And I’ve been looking for someone to throw my lot in with to help comedians and promoters who will struggle to get through this indeterminate amount of time with no income, so was very pleased to throw my lot in with Next up, who have set up this JustGiving page and will distribute funds to those comedians in need every Friday. 

If you are a comedian who needs money, please apply and if you are a comedian who is lucky enough to have made a good living and still be working then please give generously. If you love comedy and want to help comedians keep going then please donate too. Two or three months of no work could bring comedians and clubs to their knees so help them get through this. Or, if comedy is not your priority, but you’re still waged or flush then try and help out a business or employees of your choice. We need to come together to get through this. We’re combining and making sacrifices to save lives (quite rightly) but let’s also come together to save livelihoods too. 

I did a practice Twitch session tonight too (I am getting properly set up over the weekend to try more ambitious stuff). You can watch what I’ve done in the videos section. The best bit came from my daughter who has recently started trying to stay up as late as possible and keeps shouting down saying she can’t sleep. I’d told her she could only interrupt me if there an emergency. She shouted that there was an emergency so I broke away from the feed to go to her, though was sceptical that there really was one.

“What’s the emergency?” I asked

“My toe nails are too long.” She replied.

I had accepted that I was the second funniest person in my family, but now I am at best third and Ernie is beating me too if you think that calling people “stinky poo-head" is funny. Which let’s face it, you do.