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Wednesday 18th June 2014


I had a meeting with a nutritionalist today as part of my Men's Health six week abs challenge (no abs yet, but my body does seem to be changing shape a little bit). I had had to keep a food diary for the last week, which she's been perusing and I thought you'd get a kick out of the fact that her comment at the top of the piece of paper was "loves yoghurt".

As long term followers of my career will know I don't like yoghurt any more or less than the average lactose tolerant person, and yet this is an accusation that is constantly levelled at me. Indeed I've had to put out a whole DVD about the fact that I don't particularly like yoghurt to stop those rumours growing. Please buy the DVD (or the download which is only £5) for everyone you know to stop this baseless gossip gaining ground. I will only spend a reasonable portion of that money on yoghurt. I don't love yoghurt or even like it more than is normal for a food stuff.

It is true that I coincidentally ate quite a lot of yoghurt last week, but that was just an aberration. I had bought six yoghurts from the supermarket because they were on a deal. No one could claim that was too many as the shop was encouraging shoppers to buy that many. So I ate about one of those a day. And also I had discovered a good low calorie frozen yoghurt, which I would have a little bit of each day when I felt like a treat. I don't even count that as yoghurt though, because it's like ice cream. And I always have an actimel for breakfast, but again that's not a yoghurt, but a drink. So the nutritionalists case is clearly falling down around her ears. And as it happened my wife, unexpectedly without asking me, made a couple of desserts using yoghurt, from her own personal yoghurt stash. And I could hardly have thrown them back in her face and called her a yoghurt whore, could I? So no, out of politeness I ate them. So if you think seven yoghurts, seven actimels, two tubs of frozen yoghurt, a yoghurt banana smoothie and some caramel yoghurt with some dried apricots in it constitutes a lot of yoghurt for one man to eat in a week, then I am afraid that is your problem, not mine. And another week I might have hardly any yoghurt. This week is skewing the yoghurt average and taken out of context it might make me look like some kind of yoghurt-eating, yoghurt-knitting, fermented milk obsessive. I don't like yoghurt that much.

She said I should eat less yoghurt. Which won't be a problem for me. I can very much take it or leave it.

Plus she wanted me to eat 700 grams of green vegetables a day. But I didn't say to her, "Ooooh, someone loves vegetables", did I? No. She wanted me to put vegetables in my porridge for breakfast, but I didn't start having a go at her lifestyle choices. I said, "What if I put vegetables in my yoghurt? Could I eat yoghurt then," but she seemed very insistent with her insane idea that vegetables are better for you than yoghurt.

Just as I will prove the medical establishment wrong by getting to 72Kg my BMI recommended weight and pointing out to them that I am now too thin, I am going to eat a sarcasticly huge amount of vegetables from now on and a sarcastically small amount of yoghurt and when I go back to her with brittle bones and aspargussy wee, then maybe she'll learn the power of yoghurt.

But seriously, she said some interesting stuff and I am going to give it all a go. I don't need yoghurt. I don't even really like it, if I am honest. I like it less than the average person I think.

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