Today I bought an Action Man for the first time in over 30 years. I had maybe four of these incredibly macho, NOT dolls when I was a kid, the first one such an early model that he didn't even have gripping hands. I liked playing army in all its play forms: in the school playground where a game would begin with an increasing clump of boys holding on to each other and chanting "All join on if you want to play army!"; with tiny plastic WWII soldiers, green for the Brits, blue for the Nazis and yellow for the Japanese (oh dear Airfix)- I most enjoyed enacting battles around the bonfire, as the dead soldiers would melt and I could use bigger bits of burning plastic as napalm dropping on to the unsuspecting soldiers beneath; I even used to turn the task of topping and tailing blackcurrants into a war game where the tiny band of unripe green berries would take on the might of the swathes of black ones. I don't think this was instilling racism in me as I have no preference for green people over black ones nowadays. But I like my Action Men maybe best of all, dressing them up, making them grapple with each other, their gripping hands all over their bodies. Like I say it was a macho pursuit. They had guns and shot each other with them, so it was all very manly. And anyone who says the guns were symbolic replacements for the Action Man's famously smooth groinal area are wrong. I was not a gay, mass-murdering, sadistic racist. However hard my toys tried to teach me to be.
I think my parents actually worried slightly about my obsession with war as a kid (though I think they were more concerned when I got into the rather childish Play People when I was about 10), but it didn't turn me into a violent adult. If anything I was probably treating this all as theatre and the stories I created were my first plays, even if most of them were rather blood and gore obsessed (something that continued into my actual writing as anyone who became entranced by the Men of Phise story will know).
I still enjoy playing Risk and Civilisation which no doubt tap into the same part of my brain that liked all this war back then, but don't worry I am not thinking of starting up more violent play days where plastic men get thrown down the stairs. I bought the Action Man for my photo shoot tomorrow.
One of the ideas for the Talking Cock poster is to have my head put on to an Action Man, with his trousers down, revealing his eunuch-like crotch and looking upset. It's quite a neat way to get around the difficulty of putting a penis on the poster and also makes a nice comment about the connection between the penis and the sword and perhaps the root cause of some men's aggression.
I had planned to pop into a shop on the way to the shoot to pick one up, but Amazon promised to deliver
this Action Man before 1pm, so I thought I'd get it just in case I didn't have time in the morning. The problem is, of course, that I can't check to see if the doll still has the trademark smooth crotch - I've heard rumours that Action Men now have painted on blue pants. The photographer went into Hamleys this week and bought a Ken doll, but felt odd having to take down the doll's trousers in a store full of kids. Hard to explain what he was up to if he'd been challenged.
So tomorrow I should have the excitement of pulling down a sniper's trousers to see what he is packing. My job is strange. Luckily I have a man child friend (more than one as it happens) who has a good collection of the older dolls, so I have a back up for this.
I had a day to myself as my fiancee was off with her maid of honour sorting out some wedding stuff. I was left to my own devices and had a chance to get up to my old tricks. It turned out what I wanted to do was to go to Caffe Nero and read the newspaper. This was pretty much what I used to do when I was single and I realised how long it has been since I've had a chance to waste a day like this. I then ate some dried pineapple rings that I hadn't even bought in the cafe. My God, I am wicked when I am let off the leash.
The fact that this felt like a treat shows either how busy I am now, or how lazy I used to be, but there was also a calm and contentment to it all that wasn't there in the past. You appreciate these moments much more when they are a rarity. Also solitude is a lot more fun when you know it is limited and that you won't be alone tomorrow as well.
