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Saturday 17th May 2014


Me 1 and Me 2 really properly hate each other. I find it quite worrying. But providing every sports person is as insane as I am (and I think that they probably are), I have chanced across a new Sports Training Technique that is guaranteed to improve the fitness of any level of athlete.

I did my long run again today. It was Me1's chance to avenge Me2 for not only smashing the hour barrier, but also deliberately trying to sabotage the body that they both inhabit, so that Me1 could never better him. But I was a bit tired and it was quite hot and I didn't really fancy pelting along the pavements of West London in an attempt to prove that I was better than myself. But it seems that Me1 did.

To begin with I thought that due to weariness I might just do three or four miles, but when Me1 realised that he'd run the first mile in about 8 minutes, he realised he had the chance to defeat his nemesis and the tiredness lifted. He was pushing himself onwards. This time we were using an old running watch to time ourselves, so there was no faffing around with phones. Within a couple of miles it was clear that Me1 was about two minutes ahead of Me2's time, which pushed Me1 on further. Me1 was actively looking forward to tweeting about his victory and so whenever it felt like the pace might be slacking he redoubled his efforts. Me2 watched from the sidelines, convinced that this early pace would have repercussions on the second half of the run, but he was worried. Would his record only stand for four days. Not since the days of Steve Ovett and Sebastian Coe have two record holders been so evenly matched. And if either of those runners had had access to the Me1 vs Me2 training technique then one can only dream about how fast they might be going. Not just racing against each other, but against themselves.

Me1 was determined to defeat Me2. Like I say, I found it quite scary. He resented him and wanted to humiliate him and at the halfway point (the last proper time I remembered from the last run) he was still two minutes up on his rival. But Me2 had done the second half of the race quite a bit faster than the first. How could I want to defeat myself so badly? But I did. Or rather the part of me that was running today did. And it pushed me onwards.

In the end Me1 comfortably took the record with a time of 57 minutes and 52 seconds. It leaves Me2 (PB 59 minutes 10) with a mountain to climb. But I feel that these two runners will keep pushing themselves. And I may have to write a book about it. I am genuinely astonished that I am doing the run this fast (I think that's about 8 min 15 second miles), but then again it's not really me doing it anymore.

I just hope this running rivalry won't impact on the snooker, but with all this training the boys should be super fit for the next game on the green board.

I am not only losing mass, but losing my mind. Maybe it was my sanity that was weighing me down. I am all for tricking myself into exercising harder, but who would have thought that this would work as well as it does. Or that I could hate myself so much. In two directions. Interesting Me1 had started off all uncompetitive and superior to it, judging that he couldn't beat the time, but once he realised he was on course for victory he really upped his game. It will be interesting to see how the psychology affects Me2.

All this activity and madness is certainly doing wonders for the diet. I went under 85kg this morning and was rewarded by my myfitnesspal app cutting my calorific allowance, so that I could carry on losing weight. After the April plateau the weight seems to be dropping away, but I've upped the exercise (and the intensity of the exercise) and I've stopped drinking. It's over three weeks since I've had an alcoholic drink and unusually I haven't even really noticed that I am not drinking or that that much time has passed.

And I think that next week I start a six week personal training and proscribed diet with Men's Health magazine, so I wonder what effect that will have. I thought I might get down to 86kg with this diet, but now I am starting to wonder if I can get under 80. Surely I am not going to really make it to 72kg this year?  There's still plenty of chub to get off me, it has to be said. Annoyingly I mainly seem to lose fat from places that I don't really mind it being. My wedding ring is getting pretty lose for example. And I don't know why my fingers are getting slimmer, because they're getting no exercise at all. If I am not careful I will lose all my lucrative Hermione from Harry Potter hand twin work.

On top of the descent into madness I did get some more work done on the final Meaning of Life script. And am hoping to come up with a bit more tomorrow. If you want to see it then you'll be able to buy tickets on the door. It's only a tenner. Starts at 7.30pm on Sunday 18th. Interview guest is Aleks Krotoski.

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My new stand up show, Oh Frig I'm 50 is at on tour from February til June 2018. There's also a new series of RHLSTP with recordings every Monday from February 5th to April 2nd All details of shows here.
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