I have been experimenting with chocolate.
Long time readers may recall that I had given up eating any product of the cacoa bean on December 27th, 2001. I thought the habit was well and truly kicked. It seemed so long since the days when I was eating three of four bars a day that I felt sure I would be able to start using that wonderful brown drug ("Golden Brown" by the Stranglers is secretly about Cadbury's Caramels: Hugh Cornwell was on nine a day at the time) in moderation.
To begin with I had decided that if chocolate turned up in a dessert I was offered then it would be rude to turn it down. This graduated to a belief that it was all right if I started eating ice cream with chocolate in it, providing it wasn't actually chocolate ice cream. Then, on boat camp, where there were ready supplies of mini Mars Bars when we came off the water, I figured it was OK to dabble providing I was exercising heartily and I never actually purchased the chocolate myself. But then a couple of weeks ago I found myself handing a small tube of Cadbury Mini-eggs over to a shop keeper, giving him some money and then taking the mini eggs out of the shop with me and slowly savouring them. It was only the tiny tube. I was running a lot. I just wanted to taste a mini egg one last time. I could handle it.
Since then I have bought at least one item of chocolate nearly every single day and demonstrated why it was necessary for me to give the stuff up in the first place. I always knew that Mini eggs would be my downfall (I wrote about this very thing last year) and the only reason I managed to keep things going for so long is that I've been in Australia for the last two Easters. I'm not interested in Australian chocolate. But every shop I enter is crammed with Easter eggs and mini eggs and cream eggs and I just can't resist the eggs (ha ha, I said egg. Loads of times).
I thought I was mature enough for moderation, but I was wrong. I am truly an addict and my only option is to go cold parrot (the correct term for giving up chocolate, named in honour of Mr Cadbury's bird who shits out all the mini eggs that you can buy in the shops - they are made of parrot shit, they just happen, by coincidence to come out egg shaped. Mr Cadbury feeds his parrot solely with chocolate, hence the chocolate tasting shit - though the sugar-coated shell remains a scientific enigma).
I am giving up chocolate again, as of today. Well, all right, as of tomorrow. I still have some mini Cadbury's creme eggs by my bed and I just want to eat one proper Easter egg before I stop.
But after that, that's it.
Forever.
I promise.
I can give it up any time.
