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Thursday 17th January 2013

I spent most of the day bamboozled and befuddled by jet-lag. I was tired, confused and nauseous and not entirely sure that I hadn't died on that speedboat and that all of this was a horrible dream.
We'd returned to a UK with horse-meat in beef burgers and Blockbuster Video and HMV going bust (I was amazed that Blockbuster Video was still going to be honest - who would have guessed HMV wouldn't have outlasted it) and exploding helicopters and burning trains. The place has descended into anarchy.
Whilst I can understand that people might get a bit freaked out to discover that a burger they'd bought has different meat in it that they'd been expecting, it's also odd that some carnivores have this attitude that it's OK to eat some animals and not others. I am suspicious of the dogs and cats and horses who have managed to ingratiate themselves with (some) humans so it would seem wrong to eat them. This is a war between man and animal and as I've said before the "pet" animals are collaborators, saving their own bacon (alas not, pigs) and letting the others die. I think Tesco are wrong to take the horse burgers off their shelves though. They've made a mistake but if they relabel these burgers correctly I think they'll fly off the shelves. I'd give a horseburger a try (horse meat is meant to taste like cow but have way less cholesterol). Jesus if they actually listed what parts of the cow were in the proper burgers I don't think many people would be that happy. Overall it's probably a better idea that we don't know what we've eaten. Who knows what bodily effluents have found their way into our food. You laughed at the people eating kangaroo anuses on TV, but I bet you've eaten something much worse without even knowing it. And some of you have eaten worse on purpose. You perverts.
Someone should invent a post holiday decompression chamber because it's too much to have to suffer all these changes at once. You stay in it for a day, it changes your sleep rhythms back to normal, the temperature changes bit by bit, it drip feeds you tiny chunks of information about the stuff you will have to do. We woke up early and energetic (my wife even suggesting we go to the gym) and then gradually degenerated. I'd popped out to buy some milk very early and felt fine, but later when we went to the supermarket at the Westfield I was overwhelmed by all the people and the noise and the cold and started to feel dizzy and sick. I had to escape back home and went back to bed, feeling a bit like I had done back on my birthday in 2010, but luckily a bit of half sleep sorted me out and I didn't spew. But I wasn't good for much else. I watched the end of Men in Black 3 (coincidentally just delivered by Lovefilm - spooky) and Despicable Me, which I thought I hadn't seen all the way through before, but realised I had. Then I allowed sleep to take me in the hope that I'd feel more like myself tomorrow.

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