Warming Up

Final day of Relativity record and I was left the slight air of a Christmas dinner. It took so long to prepare and yet so little time to wolf down. The cast had managed to get so far ahead of schedule that only five of us were required today and two of those were done well before lunch. The new bits that I’d written last night worked well and added a possibly dramatic twist to the final episode. And Emily Berrington, who claims to have no children, did an excellent job of pretending to produce one out of her tummy (as is my and the Stereophonics understanding).

Last time we recorded at these studios we shared the “green room” space with loads of other actors who were working on a Prisoner or Doctor Who audio play. This time it’s been quite disappointing in terms of eating sandwiches whilst looking at famous faces. But today David Tennant was in, recording something (that I think he was the only voice in) and so we managed to have some banter over the sandwiches and crisps and pretend that we weren’t all awe-struck by him being there. There was a part of a doctor that I’d written in last night and I was trying to build up the courage to ask him if he’d do it - it was only a couple of lines and it would have been ace not to credit him, but c’mon, him playing the Doctor….

But that would have been breaking all kinds of Equity rules I am sure and also I am too much of a scaredy-cat, so instead I just informed him (and everyone else) that avocados aren’t strictly speaking vegan, because they use bees to fertilise them or something. But some of the people knew this already because they’d also see QI. I think David Tennant still thought I was cool though.

There were some nice comments from the cast about the scripts today, which is always a relief and I don’t think they were blowing smoke up my arse, because why wait to the end and why didn’t they do that on series one? But what a typical writer I am. When one of them told me that script 3 was really funny, I just said that made me think that they didn’t think the other three were!

But all too soon we were done and I was able to just about beat Friday rush hour and got home just after 4pm, allowing me more unexpected time with the kids and to do another bath time. 

And after that I was able to watch me nearly snatching defeat from the jaws of victory on House of Games. I was very tired by this final recording (they are all done on the same day) to the extent where I had worked out the answer to one question was Jonathan Pryce and yet entered some kind of catatonic state where I forgot to buzz in. And the lack of concentration put me in the Perfect Storm situation where I was trailing in third behind Rachel and Katie, which (due to Friday double points) would have seen me fail to win the week. 

I played a great bit of tactics over the round where you were in teams and had to both give one word of the two word answer. JB and I basically didn’t know any of the same stuff, so he was unable to complete the answers I knew and I was unable to complete the ones he knew. But if the other side failed to get a question right after buzzing in, then it would be thrown over to either of us to buzz in and give the full answer. So when the last question was about the inventor of the steam engine, which I knew was James Watt, but I knew JB wouldn’t know, I was placed in a tricky situation and decided to risk the other side fucking it up, it coming back to me and me then carrying home the vital points. Which worked brilliantly, until the question came back to me and I carried on with my choking, suddenly deciding that Stephenson had invented the steam engine (even though his name isn’t James). I played it brilliantly and then threw it all away.

But then I pulled myself together and had a couple of good rounds (particularly proud of me writing a more realistic opening to a speech for Arnold Schwarzenegger than he himself managed) and for the third time won a day by just one point, giving me my fourth win in a row and a comfortable victory in the end. But luck had been on my side for once. Katie was very unlucky.

Still I have won a TV trophy and also a doll of Richard Osman which I would have already stuck up my arse, but it’s been lost in the post. It’s true I am competitive at games, but I feel it is rude not to be - to be nonchalant or not care or to give others a chance is patronising and lessens any victory that they would (usually) have over you. I’d rather be competitive in games than in life too. And even though I felt a little sad that JB didn’t win on the one day he really had a chance and I think it would have been fair for Katie to win one (and I could have come second in this last show and still triumphed), I had to go for victory each time.

It was such a fun game and I hope I get a chance to return. I think I made a lot of mistakes and would need to do better in a champion of champions scenario. But if you were playing along at home and thought you beat me, remember that it’s very hard to keep up the necessary concentration when you’re playing five games in a single day, but also in the edit, the producers add a gap between the question and the first buzzer to give you at home a chance to answer. In reality the buzzing was much faster and more furious than it seemed.

My mum and dad rang me up to congratulate me. I didn’t realise I hadn’t told them what had happened already, so they’d spent all week on the edges of their seats. I don’t think I have done anything in my life that has made them happier than this victory.

Stupidly I had taken on a stand up gig tonight. I thought it was a local one and would take me 20 minutes to get to, but when it came to it a) I’d have been much happier staying in and having a drink with my wife and b) it was a 45 minute drive away. It was in a packed village town hall and the bill had comedians on that I hadn’t worked with in years (maybe in the case of John Mann, over 25 years). But even though I was very tired and not match fit, I gave a reasonable showing of myself and enjoyed showing off on stage and the drive home didn’t feel quite as dangerous. It’s good to keep my hand in. Though in 2019 I am planning on making most of my gigs RHLSTPs, I don’t want to stop stand up forever and it’d be a shame to get to the place I’d finally got with my performances and then just throw it all away.