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Tuesday 13th May 2014


WARNING - Cat-based blog. Look away now if that sort of thing appals you (as it should).

We've had our cats Liono and Smithers for well over a year now and they're still alive, so kudos to us for managing that. I've enjoyed having them as they make me laugh. Smithers is at this moment sitting inside the Curious Orange Dalek that Paul Putner constructed for the Lee and Herring reunion at the Lyric a few years back. He thinks he's the king of the castle and doesn't realise he's sitting inside a redundant prop from a failed 90s TV show. The idiot.

Liono went through a period of weeing on soft furnishings, but that nightmare seems to be over. She still sometimes poos outside the litter tray, but only just outside, so it's not a disaster as long as we've got paper down. Both cats have been quite aloof (that's their job right) and aren't massively affectionate. Smithers loves to wrestle with my slippers in the morning and purrs like a purrvert if I get him in a foot hold that he can't escape from and he's recently started sitting near us on the sofa. Liono seemed much more nervous of human contact initially and even a little fearful of us. But recently she's become quite needy and seems to like to be around us. To such an extent that she doesn't seem to like to be parted from us at nighttime. She'll come and sleep on our bed if we let her (technically it counts as a three in a bed, so I am happy), but will usually wake us up or attempt to attack the stuff on my wife's bedside table (she's not interested in my stuff). But if we lock her out of the room she sits outside meowing and clawing at the door and the carpet.

In the night, sore from my fall and hungry from having restricted my food intake more than usual, I couldn't sleep and Liono's scratching didn't help. The choice is to let her in and hope she behaves or tell her off in which case she'll leave the door alone for five minutes, before forgetting about the reprimand and trying again. I noticed today though, that her clawing has actually damaged our new-ish carpet and she's also pulled it up at the edge. She's trying to burrow under the door. Even after month's of this she hasn't learned that that's not possible. And to be fair to her, like a persistent Great Escaper, she has managed to get down one level in his manner. Good luck with trying to get any further Liono. But you have to admire the dedication. It's tempting to think that this desperate attempt to enter our room shows that she loves us. But I suspect she just likes the soft duvet and the warmth. Or just fears loneliness or Smithers so much that she wants to be somewhere where there's another living thing.

She is a stupid cat (even by the low cat standards) though not as stupid as Smithers who is spectacularly stupid and perverse. She hasn't even learned to bury her poo (when she manages to get it in the right place), pawing at the plastic of the litter tray every single time, as if this time it's going to crumble apart and bury her shameful turds. There's litter right there you prick. What's wrong with you? Why haven't you learned yet?

But here she is, clever (and stupid) enough to consider tunnelling beneath the door to reach our bed. Which is sweet, but carpets don't come cheap. We're housing and feeding you, you little cock and this is the thanks we get. Life was so much more simple when I lived alone. I was happy then, apart from the constant crying and despair. Loving people and things only lead to complications. I am looking forward to the time when humans are hermetically sealed into their own life-pods and never see another living thing. But I bet Liono, the cunt, would try and burrow into mine and break the mechanism.

I love these little idiots, which just shows what a worthless commodity love is. You can end up giving it to any random creatures on earth, just by dint of them being around you all the time. What's impressive about that?

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