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Thursday 13th November 2008

Thursday 13th November 2008

Managed a bit of a sleep in today, which made me feel a bit better, though the dizziness at certain angles has not diminished. So the solution is simple - just don't position myself at those angles. Easier said than done. I like lying down, which is where the main problem occurs. Still I also like the world spinning round at alarming speed, so everything has turned out ok.
Collings turned up like a bad penny at midday. I don't have the heart to tell him that now I have done a proper TV show I don't really have to carry on with his rinky-dink, toytown podcast. It is his whole world to him. He's only got this and his occasional appearances on News 24, which is actually just a joke channel, set up to take the piss out of him and only goes out on his TV. I knew that as of 9pm tonight I was back on the BBC and back to the superstar lifestyle that I once enjoyed. Deadwood like Collings will be discarded as soon as I can convince him I've moved out of the country. That bloke from the BBC at the Radio Academy was right all along.
Anyway I humoured Collings and we went up to my attic with lashings of coffee and diet coke to try and get me through the dizzy pain. It's a shame it will all over be soon, because we've hit a purple patch and mixing up being funny and thoughtful in quite good measure. Maybe I should keep Collings on as my pet, when I am a superstar again. It will make people think that I am keeping my feet on the ground with one non-celebrity friend. We'll see.
Had some fun talking about this pathetic non-story about kids being given a book with cartoons of sex positions in it, even though you can't see the positions because there is a bath in the way, or understand what is going on unless you have had sex (and to be honest, I've had sex and done loads of different positions and I don't know what the fuck is going on in some of those). I probably wasn't on top form, due to too much caffeine and an inability to stay balanced (both physically and mentally) and for the first time ever I needed to take a wee break. Collings had the opportunity to say anything he wanted about me for about sixty seconds. I haven't listened back, but I bet he didn't take it. If he ever goes out the room I am going to tell you all kinds of shit about him. Most of it will be made up. But I would take advantage of any bladder weakness he might experience, whereas he is too woolly and liberal to do the same to me. This is why if it ever came down to a fight to the death in a post-Apocalyptic scenario, I would definitely prevail. Or in a scenario where one of us goes on to massive national TV success and the other is on News 24 and Sky Arts "What the Dickings!" (as Andrew thinks that his most prestigious job for about ten years is called). Bless him. You end up feeling a bit motherly towards him don't you, a bit like he is Lil Chris. Though Lil Chris does have the advantage of actually being Lil.
I was going to try and get on with my sitcom, but we didn't finish swearing into Andy's computer until 3pm and I thought maybe I should take it easy after all that exertion.
So I just dicked around until 9pm and my TV appearance, knowing that at 9.30 my phone would ring and the King of the BBC would be on there, apologising about all the mess up of stopping me being on the telly even though I'd never said I'd fucked anyone's grand-daughter and offering me my own a million part comedy series.
But the editors of Buzzcocks decided it would be best to cut out most of the funny things I said and replace them with shots of me laughing at funny things other people had said.
I knew that most of the stuff would get cut - after all what was 15 minutes for you had taken at least 90 minutes in the studio - but at least they kept in my stuff about the finger and perspective and the Victoria an Albert Museum, even if there wasn't anything about coming on Girls Aloud or Seal having been attacked by Professor Lupus (sic) from Harry Potter. But I thought it was a good show and was delighted that a lot of the Lil Chris stayed in. "My cheeks won't stop smiling" is about as disarming a thing as it is possible to say. I certainly wouldn't have liked having to cut the show down to size in two days.
I looked like I was having fun - though there's a couple of shots near the end where I look pretty exhausted (which isn't surprising), so I am happy with it on the whole.
But my guess is that I'll have to carry on with that bloody podcast for some years to come. Ah well, it's me doing my bit for charity.I can't leave poor Lil Andy behind. For those of you who have come here because of Buzzcocks, go listen to my uncensored (shame in some cases - sorry about the Goth thing) comedy here and remember you can see me live on tour in the Spring. Sign up for the email newsletter on the home page to be kept informed.
Yeah that's three more fans I've got.
At this rate I'll be successful by 2057.

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