A day off today, but as I am gigging in Newcastle tomorrow it was not worth going home. I was wishing that I'd booked into the Chambers serviced apartments for a third night, but instead I had decided to stay two nights at the Newcastle hotel. On the plus side it would mean I would have no driving to do on the day of my gig.
I spent the morning in Leeds and had lunch with my York City supporting friend Toby. We sat al fresco in an Italian restaurant the warm summer sun and it was hard to believe we were in Yorkshire, until I noticed that the menu offered a "chip pizza".
You'd think a day off would be a positive thing, but actually I would have much preferred to get a gig out of the way. It would have put me one night closer to the end of the tour, but also given me something to do. I was not in the mood to go out into Newcastle to look for fun, so stayed in my hotel (another very nice one - I'd been booked in here by the venue) and had a steak and a glass of red wine in the restaurant. But it gave me time to consider my solitude and miss my fiancee and I realised what a welcome distraction the show is. I thought that maybe I'd use the evening to get some writing done and did give work some thought, but then got distracted trying to get retweeted by @humblebrag on Twitter (it's an awesome idea for a Twitter feed - go have a look) and then watched a couple of episodes of House.
I had been planning to do a Me1 vs Me2 poker podcast, but didn't have any cards, but then realised my iPad and my iPhone both had the same poker game on them and I could use the wifi to play a game between the two opponents. They would each have their own device and thus be unable to see the other player's cards. It was perfect. I loved the idea of the Mes trying to bluff each other, set up my Tascam (which had been in the bottom of my rucksack all week) and started the game up. It turned out that poker doesn't work as well as snooker and I felt like Woody Allen struggling to fulfil the promise of his early genius. A man playing himself at snooker and describing it via audio is brilliant - the same is not true for poker. It's hard to commentate on and very difficult to play yourself at because however hard you pretend to not know what you're playing against you still do know.
I gave up on that and then considered playing a game of Monopoly instead. Me1 was up for it but Me2 thought it was beneath his dignity. I read out a prepared statement from the very, very strong gale saying that he would not be taking part. As I did this I was actually holding up a blank piece of paper and pretending to read it, as I made it up as I went along. Even though it was audio.
I wondered if it was a good idea to be attempting these podcasts when I was in a slightly lonely and sad place mentally. In a way populating my hotel room with friendly and unfriendly Mes meant I had some companionship, but at what cost?
Me 1 tried to play three computer opponents at Monopoly, but again it just didn't feel like the right arena for this particular podcast and I gave up after five minutes, regretting that I would lose the brilliant Me2 letter reading.
I actually have had an offer of a snooker table in Harpenden from a man who says he has one in his garage. But am I going to get there to find he closes the door behind me and imprisons me and makes me create 100 snooker podcasts a day that only he will hear? I will probably give it a go. It's worth the risk to bring my public the podcasts they're clamouring for. I have had almost one email asking me where this week's podcast is. I think people are so in shock at missing their weekly fix that they are unable to move, let alone write to me.
I decided to give it one last shot - and it was now about 12.30am - and had a go at Me1 vs Me2 Scrabble, where at least each Me would be in control of his own hand and could play with fairness and competition. This turned out to be more successful, but only given the utter failure of the other sports (Me2 did not consider Monopoly a sport). It was even more serious than the snooker podcast, with both players keen to win and the commentators keen to try and come up with better words than the players would get (they occasionally equalled the Mes but never beat them and often didn't see the word that was spotted by the actual competitor. We were playing on my iPad which meant there could be no cheating and there was no time for anyone to look anything up (though the commentators did discuss whether they should use the iPhone to check what best possible word was, without the players knowing). It actually became quite a serious Scrabble podcast, with the players playing at speed, but I was actually quite impressed with both of them, as they haven't played recently, but both played some great words. Me1 took an early lead, finding a bingo on his second go, taking a bit of a punt on "skirter". Me2 had a very nasty rack (don't make crude jokes, this is a serious business) and tried to balance it with a vowel dump (seriously, stop it), but Me1 came straight back with a word that neither commentator say "stringy". Me2 had to balance his rack further with a small scoring word, but Me1 got his third bingo in a row with "teasing". The luck was going all his way and he was already almost 200 points ahead. I was quite excited that the world was going to hear me being so brilliant at Scrabble and didn't care that it wasn't even funny at all.
There was an interesting moment where (I think) Me1 played the word "wog". In Scrabble the meanings of words are not important - all that is relevant is whether they are in the official dictionary. In a way it's a purer and more wonderful world where words can't hurt anyone because they are just words. One day all the world may be this way. In my ill-fated Scrabble sitcom I had wanted to do a scene where a player has the letters for "Snigger" but can't place it anywhere, but they realise that they can use the letters with the s at the other end, but as they're playing against a black opponent they feel awkward about that and wimp out. They are then berated by the other Scrabble players, including the black one, because in this arena these words no longer have any negative power. Then someone points out that the player could have had "gingers", though the redhead in the room says they would have freaked out if he had. Unfortunately the show was never made and then Tim Minchin did a brilliant song using almost the same idea.
I was once in a tournament when I played the word "cum" and the sweet old lady opposite me challenged it and wanted to know what it meant. I was embarrassed. Make your own "cum on the board" jokes. This is a serious entry.
Me2 was trailing badly and still getting bad letters, but then brilliantly spotted the opportunity to play "luscious", though incredibly Me1 came back with a fourth bingo later "outlives". Given how fast we were all playing this was astonishing play and I worried that listeners would think I was cheating, but was looking forward to how impressed Scrabble players would be with this boring podcast.
It was an exciting game and though Me2 had bad letters throughout a late rally with great use of the X and the Z meant he ended the game only about 50 points behind Me1 with a massive scoring game of about 475-425.
I thought about not putting the podcast up, but decided there was enough in there to keep people interested and help insomniacs to sleep. But once I tried to play it on my computer I realised that the track had no sound. Some buttons had been flicked on the Tascam as it lay at the bottom of my bag and all the stuff, including the aborted podacsts, that I had done in the last two hours were lost. In a way this made it high art. But I was a 44 year old man who had just spent a night on his own playing himself at computer games and commentating on them in a posh hotel room. No one would ever hear about the amazing play he had done.
It made me laugh, but also made me think about what the fuck I am doing with my life. It didn't make me think I should stop though. Luckily I had taken a photo of the board at mid-game stage so there is proof that some of this took place. It was Me2's turn next. He scored 47 points. I won't tell you what he played - see if you can beat him (don't cheat - only use your brain). Someone on Twitter managed 53, but Me2 did take his go within 30 seconds.
There's something horrible and yet brilliant about a lost podcast. I felt a bit sick, but amused that my mad work was gone forever (until someone invents a time machine and uses it to travel back to Newcastle to record the thing again - audio only though please future traveller). I may give the idea another crack tomorrow but doubt it will have that late night and desperately lonely twinge to it.
Me1 is counting it as a victory anyway. Obviously this does not affect the snooker score.
