I have to warn you that the CNPS gods definitely exist and apparently they are not big fans of sarcasm.
Far from being pleased at my prayer to them from Saturday, they have seen through the transparent levels of irony and noted that I was taking the piss out of them and so rather that showing me the 280 that I hoped to receive in return, they have made my life a number plate hell.
Walking (or rather staggering, the effects of Sunday's race have turned my legs into largely useless appendages, not disimilar to the false legs worn by world war two hero and foolish show off, Douglas Bader) up the road to my house today I saw a 281 stopping at the traffic lights beside me. I beseeched my gods to be kind and send a 280 coming the other way so that I could take two giant leaps up the ladder to 999. However, the first car that passed wasn't 280 as I hoped. It was 279. Oh CNPS Gods, you are cruel, but fair. It is all I deserved.
Of course, this could just have been a coincidence and I might have laughed it off and joined in with the guffawing idiots who mock the 999 true gods and think that they are not real. When in fact they are. But the CNPS Gods wanted to make it absolutely clear that they do not like being jerked around with. For parked a few metres further on was another 281. So near and yet so far. And then turning into the main road from a side-road was another 281, followed immediately by a 282 motorcycle.
Of course, the chances of this happening by accident are literally a hundred million billion to one. But still it was possibly just a crazy coincidence (right, but if there is no god, then who made the world?),but what cermented the divine punishment was the 820 that then passed my astonished face. If the first two numbers had just switched then I would still have had a 281 and a 282 in my eyeline.
But no. The Gods were not going to help me. Me with my sarcastic prayer to them which implied that they were mental and didn't exist (imagine both not existing and being mental. If I'd said they were mental, but existed then that wouldn't have been so bad. But there is no greater insult to anyone than to imply that they don't exist and are also mental). I was to be punished until I truly understood how unworthy I was and how much in the power of these definitely real and possibly not insane divinities I had become.
They are real my friends. Fear them and love them. For otherwise they will smite you down. And also withhold the number you really need. For alway.
On other matters, not related to my fragile mental state, I went to the Jerry Springer Opera opening night (fantastic) and had another one of my school boy fantasies fulfilled. I was standing at the bar and Sam Fox (from off of the Touch Me song) started talking to me.
Admittedly it was just to complain about how expensive the drinks in the interval were and how you'd think they might let her have at least a free tonic water (unfortunately for her I suspect her barman may have been gay and thus one of the few men in the country who did not owe her a drink for past services).
Still, Sam Fox talked to me, unbidden and it wasn't just to say "Get out of my hotel room or I will call security".
She was really chirpy and funny and bubbly. Everything one could want from a large breasted short woman.
I couldn't really think of anything to say back (apart from "I've seen your tits" which I was not yet drunk enough to seriously contemplate) so I agreed with her and smiled and she went away.
Still she talked to me though.
And I've see her (mainly) bare.
So I have won.
