I am having a massively frustrating time with my broadband signal, which has dropped down to 1995 dial up levels for up to 72 hours three times in the last two weeks. It aptly demonstrates how reliant I have become on the world wide web and how cross I become when I can't access it easily. It is doubly galling when BT (who I am with and have annoyingly recently signed up for another 18 months with) are currently showing those adverts boasting about how brilliant their service is and having to look at the smug face of Kris Marshall viewing pornography or strippers with his lame mates when I am unable to do the same, unless I am extremely patient and happy to see depraved sexual activities in two second bursts with a wait of thirty seconds until the next two second burst. There was a time when a two second burst would have been enough for me to have a two second burst of my own. But I am nearly 43 now and like Fred Wedlock it takes me all night to do what I used to do all night.
Not that I use the internet for pornography, like Kris Marshall and his friends and by implication everyone at BT, but I need to be able to download things quickly for my job too. Steve Brown was sending through very low resolution versions of the amazing Christ on a Bike shots we did a couple of weeks ago and even these were taking minutes to download (and this was very much like the gradual nature of downloading porn in 1995, when a still photo would be revealed line by line). I am not obsessed with porn, but it is a good and constant benchmark of internet usage as, unlike podcasts, blogs and downloading Hollywood blockbusters it has always been there.
I had spoken to another polite person on the Indian sub continent about this yesterday, but this time the fault is supposedly affecting my whole area and I have to wait. When I asked if I could have the email address of phone number of someone I could complain to and ask for compensation, the phone line started playing up. Like when people crackle paper into the receiver or pretend they're going into a tunnel. To be fair the nice lady rang me back two or three times to try and help me, but I could never hear what she was saying. I think BT have something to do with phones too. Not a very good advert for them that you can't even properly talk to their operator.
I am a reasonably patient man and had let the first two incidents of broadband drop out pass without too much criticism - these things happen. But after the third loss of signal in a fortnight, and in the face of those crowing and lying adverts I think I have to use my position as a man of very limited influence (3000 of you read this blog and now over 25,000 follow me on Twitter) to say that if you're thinking of changing broadband providers then BT seems pretty fucking useless (I got lots of positive tweets about most of the other providers and given my TV is with Sky it seems I should probably have gone with them too). I think I could still get out of my BT contract if I could be bothered to fight it, but I probably won't be bothered. Part of the issue here is that I don't have the time to dick around on the phone for ages, especially given how long it is taking me to have a wank thanks to these BT idiots.
@BTcare (do they?) contacted me on Twitter to say they'd help, but emailed them and have heard nothing back. Twenty years ago the idea of the internet would have seemed impossible and ten years ago I was happy enough to be able to access it via dial up, but now if I don't have fast wireless broadband I am lost. It's incredible how quickly something can become a part of your life. But as you may have noticed, a lot of my work takes place on this stupid thing as well as a lot of my leisure and it would be cool at least if someone other than a woman in India was apologising for what's been going on and offering some kind of compensation. But maybe BT are trying to slow the internet down because they realise how much of it is being used to criticise them. I do like the fact that we now have the power to spread the word and make a difference and make businesses listen to us because of blogs and Twitter. Especially if what they're advertising seems so far away from what they are providing.
But let's also give credit where credit is due. The other week I bought some plastic crates via Amazon from a company called Bingo office supplies. A few days after delivery I noticed that one of the crates had a crack in the lid, which had presumably happened in transit. The lid still worked fine, but looked like it might break at some point in the future. As I hadn't noticed at the time of delivery I had wondered if it was even worth complaining, but rang up this morning and explained what had happened and without any question the woman at Bingo Office Supplies said that she would send a whole new crate to me asap and that I could even keep the old one. The phone had been answered straight away and the issue was resolved in two minutes. Very impressive customer service. Please buy your crates and office supplies from Bingo. I am trying to look up their web address, but my internet is not working well enough to do so at this second. Well done again BT, helping businesses everywhere.
Bingo's details at last.
Slightly amusing incident later, unless the police become involved in which after I had gone to bed I wanted to double check I had closed the lounge window thanks to my blooming OCD. I was nude cos that's how I sleep ladies, but it was late at night and so no one would be around and I thought I'd be able to solve this easily enough. But whilst the window was shut I wanted to check it was probably locked, so leant behind the curtain to screw down the lock. A taxi was just pulling away and as I looked down I saw my next door neighbour arriving at her gate, looking up at the light from my window and I imagine from the angle she was at getting a pretty good look at my completely nude, stretching out my arm in what might have looked like an imploring manner. I was up on the first floor but only about ten feet from her. I hastily closed the curtains so don't know how she reacted. But if her internet is on the blink too she might have been glad about the free porn. Provided she is into fat old men with tiny frond-like bifurcated penises. Of course if she chooses to interpret this incident in another way than the truth then I am probably going to prison.
