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Thursday 18th September 2014

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My wife and I went to Euston today to do a first aid course at the British Red Cross. I’ve been meaning to do something like this since I nearly lost my wife to a carrot in the first few months of our marriage. Luckily on that occasion I saved her without really knowing what I was doing, but it’d be nice to have a bit more of an idea, just in case. And also, you know, might get a Metro column out of it. But it’s nice to do things as a couple and if one of those things is role-playing how we’d cope if we came across an unconscious baby or if someone had been electrocuted, then that’s all well and good. If those things start to turn us on and we find ourselves booking ourselves into loads of first aid courses just to put a spark back in our love-making then that is less good. But so far that didn’t happen. Just to check after the course I pretended to be an electrocuted man to see if that would get my wife going. It didn’t.
So back to the old drawing board. That is the board where I draw my sexual fantasies. Which I had had for quite some time now.
It was an interesting way to spend six hours, with a small group of people who might be concerned members of the public or perverts (there’s no real way to tell). I mainly discovered how little I know about saving lives and that the thing you have to do in most scenarios is call 999. But it’s nice to have some idea of how to keep an unconscious and not breathing person alive until am ambulance turns up. And good to see that I pretty much got the choking response right. Five sharp slaps on the back, followed by the Heimlich Manoeuvre. Though I prefer to start with the Herring Manoeuvre of letting the person think they are going to die and then stopping them choking right at the last minute. But the Red Cross don’t teach you that.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to use my new skills. I am not sure that I will be able to remember them all to be honest. But so far in my life I have hardly ever encountered an unconscious person (there was the man who collapsed on me on the plane last year, I guess) so it’s very much a rarity. I fear I would do more harm than good and forget which scenario needs legs raised or the person on their side or me to breath in their mouth. But I have more of an idea than I did before today, so if you’re feeling unconscious or eating something you think you might choke on or are bleeding heavily or have just been electrocuted, then you can seek me out and I will have a crack at it.



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