On the last couple of nights I have heard a baby crying in the house, late at night. But when I have gone to check on my two babies, both of them have been asleep and at most gently snoring. Our house is semi detached, but we never hear anything from next door and they don’t have a baby living there. And loads of stuff has been going awry, like carbon monoxide leaking and cars crashing into walls and the dishwasher very occasionally stopping mid-cycle and displaying the sign that suggests the drain is blocked…. when it isn’t. This is the kind of shit that would drive Joanna Lumley out of her gourd.
But I am very much taking it in my stride. I feel very at home in our haunted death house. And our cat has a really strange miaow, so it could just be that. In my heart I know it’s not that. It’s the sound of a crying baby. Perhaps my children have entered a pact to make the sound whenever I am in the other room and stop when I come to look at them.
Hey, what 300 year old house doesn’t have the ghost of a dead baby in it? I hope that me and the baby might become friends. I could write a sitcom about our unusual friendship. And the adventures we get up to.
Maybe only then will its spirit be able to pass.
Though I have to say I disapprove of the ghost baby’s attempts to kill my baby by blocking the boiler flue. Sure, it must be annoyed that it died in infancy, but if anything that should be a reason why it wants to keep all the other babies alive.
Sure, we have a cursed home, but I am very happy here. And the sense of foreboding doom only adds to the fun. To be fair, I’ve had that sense for about 45 of my 50 years and it’s pretty much never come to fruition, so it better be building to something good. Like my death at the age of 118. My last words will be “I knew it!”.
The news is out! I’ve finally done it. Brian Blessed is guesting on RHLSTP. I suspect all that I will say in this podcast is “Have you ever seen a Big foot?” and then BANG! We’ll be away, but let’s see. It took a lot of persistence to get him on and I’ve been trying for quite a while. But he’s just one of the many amazing guests that I’ve already booked for the new series.
Here’s who is coming on
Feb 5th Kathy Burke and Adam Kay
Feb 12th John Robins & Elis James and Danielle Ward
Feb 19th Trev and Simon and TBA
Feb 26th Mackenzie Crook and Kiri and Rachel from All Killa, No Filla
March 5th Fabulous comedian who’s on TV all the time, making their second appearance and an Oscar nominated writer and comedian who I once shared a flat with - names announced next week.
March 12th Brian Blessed
March 26th Al Murray
Quite a few more people to add, but some very interesting possibilities.
And this evening I recorded a thrilling frame of Me1 Vs Me 2 snooker
. Seriously, in terms of on board sport, it might be the best one yet. Extraordinarily thrilling. I wish you could see it. And at one point two balls jumped off the table in a way that can only be explained by a baby ghost.