Bookmark and Share

Tuesday 28th December 2021

6966/19486

We always knew that the machines would rise up and kill us one day. I guess none of us anticipated that this would be the first move. But they’re probably just testing the water. Or this one had a mistake in its coding and made the move a bit early. If every Alexa and Siri and computer tells us to put pennies into plug sockets then it could probably take out several million of us and then mop up the rest as we became overwhelmed by the hospitalisations and grief and anger. No point in building terminators if you can just make us kill ourselves with our own stupidity. Not that we need much help to do that.

As you know I have never been a fan of New Year’s Eve, even before I sat alone in my flat watching myself supposedly enjoying the new year on Jools Holland’s Hootenanny. I don’t like the fact that it’s so close to Christmas and I don’t like the fact that once out it’s almost impossible to get home again, unless you’ve got the money for a super expensive cab. I also really like going to bed and have never enjoyed staying up all night to get lucky. I want to have got lucky well before midnight if possible.
It’s all irrelevant to me now as even if I wanted to go out (which I don’t), it would be impossible to get baby sitters and I will be asleep by ten thirty anyway (we stayed up til 11.30 last night and the loss of sleep meant that today was basically a write-off, though I had to blunder through feeling sick and exhausted), but before I made the terrible error of playing God and creating life the enforced socialising of 31st December made me unhappy and often left me feeling sad and alone and even when successful meant I began the new year being sick and regretting kissing someone the night before,.
Given the fact that we’re in the middle of a pandemic, with no one quite certain of how bad things will be in January (cautious optimism is the prevailing feeling right now, but there’s no need to push things), I wonder if Boris Johnson might consider moving New Year’s Day to the summer. It would be much better. We’d have had time to recover from Christmas excess, it’d be warm and the evenings would be long and we could meet up in parks rather than expensive clubs and walk home without freezing to death. People in the  southern hemisphere bought in this idea years ago and have been enjoying New Year in the summer for years now (though the idiots also moved Christmas to the summer too, so they don’t get the benefits of alcoholic recovery that I am proposing). If they can wait six months then why can’t we?
We could do this for 2022 as a matter of public safety and then just quietly shift New year to July 1st from then onwards. We can make this happen guys.

Only £2500 from the target for the kickstarter now. Can we do it before 2022? Maybe if 2022 doesn’t start until July.


Bookmark and Share



Buy my new book/ebook/audiobook "Would You Rather?" (get stickers and a signed bookplate from gfs. Also available as a very different audiobook with the brilliant Stevie Martin
Help us make more podcasts by becoming a badger You get loads of extras if you do.